There are many things that we believe as children that later turn out not to be true, like Santa Claus or internet privacy, but today I want to talk to you about Easter: sure, we now know that Christianity hijacked this celebration from the Pagans, who had made icons of bunnies and eggs, symbols of fertility in Spring.
What you may not know is that the filthy Pagans actually stole Easter from the Church of DIM!!! It’s true: in something-BCE, Mother Protozoa (praise be) named April’s first Sunday after the full moon to be “Eater” (the ‘S’ was later added by heathens), which meant “Yay, fungi!” The holiday was commemorated in two ways: smart people would eat too much chocolate, while the less-bright people were encouraged to search for mushrooms (not eggs) in the forest and eat them! As you can imagine, this holiday resulted in the deaths of many from ingesting poisonous growths, but that was the plan of Mother Protozoa (praise be)! In her single-celled-wisdom, she had created a celebration to curb the number of humans! Back then, the populations of villages were exploding, with up to 28 people in the larger ones! And some of them were dicks, y’all!
Anyway, thank you Mother Protozoa (praise be). So this “Easter,” when you get hungry, does yucky chocolate sound as good as a delicious, wholesome, mushroom-hunt?
Happy Eater, everybody!
—Brother O’Brien
The New Church of Dim 