“Bacteria Religion Officially Endorses Presidential Candidate”

NBC News (31 May 2016) “Bacteria Religion Officially Endorses Presidential Candidate”

The now all-too-familiar Church of DIM, whose believers claim that humans have overstayed their welcome on Planet Earth and should begin devolution in earnest, have officially endorsed a presidential candidate: Donald Trump.  “We couldn’t be happier with our choice of presidential candidates this election,” Brother O’Brien of the CoD stated, “but in the end Donald Trump was the very easy choice; he is ignorant, inept at anything other than filing for bankruptcy, and has a childlike ego which drives him to make terrible, terrible decisions. It is with Trump at the helm that we believe that the world will dissolve into a Mad Maxian dystopia, and we at the CoD just couldn’t be more tickled.”  The Trump campaign still has not rejected the endorsement, but did state that the CoD’s campaign slogan for Trump, “Vote for the Degenerate!” was a bit troubling, but not entirely inaccurate.

“Unfortunate Cancellation” by Brother O’Brien

Important Notice for Dimmers,

Dear Church of DIM followers, it troubles me to inform you that our ‘Million-Dimmer March’ on June 1st has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. As it happens, our rally was in Raleigh, and as a consequence for the passage of North Carolina’s anti-LGBT
bill, the Church of DIM refuses to contribute one dime to their state’s economy. We will try and move our traditional rally celebrations, such as the “Rubber Pants Party,” “Mini Golf Murder,” and event favorites such as “Who’s Got the Antidote?!” to an alternate venue.

A possible location for rescheduling is Mexico City, where we encourage all Dimmers, “DO drink the water!” to get closer to Mother Amoeba! (Date TBD)

—Brother O’Brien

“Parents Concerned”

New Tifton Chronicle (22 May 2016) “Parents concerned about ‘filthy’
children’s new ‘DIM’ behavior”

There is no one you can find among our 442 residents of
New Tifton who have not heard of the Church of DIM by now. Billy
Sanders, 15, first discovered the self-proclaimed faith on the
internet and soon spread the details of the presumed cult amongst his
classmates. Resident Valerie Fallum said, “That boy told every child
that ‘DIM was the true faith and that it was their duty to avoid
education as it is only a tutorial on how to further destroy the
earth.’” Across town, children have obsessed in cultivating
single-celled organisms and “releasing them into the wild as a way to
impede human progress.” A class-action lawsuit has been filed against
the church’s co-founder, Richard Yates. The CoD’s other co-founder,
Richard O’Brien, provided a press-release stating that he had “never
heard of this Richard Yates, but I encourage authorities to prosecute
him to the fullest extent of the law.” Meanwhile, it has been 9 days
since the children of New Tifton have bathed, asserting that their
religion forbids the killing of bacteria. God help us.

“Church of DIM Not Welcome in Iran”

Al Jazeera (21 May 2016): “Church of DIM not welcome in Iran”

Several Iranian clerics have decided that the growing Church of DIM (CoD) violates their beliefs and insults their god, and have banned members of the Church of DIM from entry into their country. When asked for comment, ‘Brother O’Brien’ of the CoD then asked, “Does Iran have nukes?” When told the answer was “not yet,” O’Brien smiled and confidently dismissed their proposed ban as “ignorant and poopy.” “If, however,” O’Brien continued, “any of the wonderful Iranian people should choose to join the CoD, I would
implore them to keep their faith hidden in the interest of self-preservation. Salam Aliakum.”