Our Belief System

As we continue to welcome new members of The Church of Dim,  so reflects the growth and evolution of our Beliefs.

1) Our God is the genus, Protozoa (praise be).  Whether it is many Gods or one God in many forms, is simply “The Eternal Question.”

2) We believe human beings (homo exploitus) to be inferior to all other life in the universe, due to our selfish, arrogant, and destructive nature.

3) Every Tuesday is ‘Taco Tuesday.’

4) Every week of the year shall have an official and recognized holiday, giving our followers many days off to worship amoebas and shit.

5) Tithing is only 8%, a significant discount from other religions of false gods.  Until we find away to exploit this influx of cash, however, followers are encouraged to spend 8% of their earnings on wildly inappropriate goods and services.  Using CoD tithing for practical purposes is considered a sin against Mother Protozoa.

6) We believe in the “Final Cleansing,” wherein humans will eventually devolve to the point that other species start leading the food chain. Such as, but not limited to, giant razor hawks, flame-throwing bears, flying rabid rhesus monkeys, and super-intelligent squirrels with slightly ill-mannered dispositions.

7) When you die and Mother Protozoa starts consuming you, it is you who becomes part of the Great Mother.  That’s right, badasses, YOU become God.  That is truly the dope shit.  Verily.

8) The Church of Dim’s heaven has 888 levels – because no one wants to be in a place of eternal happiness if you’re sitting next to Aunt Bertha the whole fucking time, amiright?

These beliefs, known as the “Enlightened Eight,” will be forever inscribed in our hearts… until we make inevitable changes to them. Then we’ll just come up with some other awesome name for them.

Go now, children of Dim, and gather others to our new faith. You are on the ground floor of something special.

Mother Protozoa be with ye.

The Announcement you’ve been waiting for – bless us, every one!

Greetings, Fellow Dimmers,

It is a great day for The New Church of Dim and its members.  We have waited many weeks for a vision to enlighten us as to our (and your) one, true God.

The time has come, brothers and sisters – our God has been revealed.  And unlike other religions which would have you believe that simply because we are human, that the savior must be in the same image, we are very proud to share this Earth-shattering news:

Almighty God is the Genus, Protozoan.  Be humbled in Her presence, followers, for Mother Protozoa is all around us.  She has been there with us since the beginning – at the origin of all species.  Let Mother Protozoa’s love enter you and touch your heart.

But not literally, dear ones, because She can also give you a nasty bacterial infection.

Bow to Her power.

Spread the news on this joyous day.

The Church of Dim.

Mission Statement

Church of dim

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Mission statement

 

            In every religion there is a common, fundamental, and truly flawed position held in their doctrines: the assumed superiority of human beings.  We, at the Church of Dim, are not so near-sighted.

            The CoD certainly recognizes and celebrates enlightened human spirits, such as Saint Sobchak and Prophet George Carlin (praise be), yet we believe in the inherent inferiority of man.  In the race of humans, we have all lost – we have created war and guns and Justin Bieber and potato chips flavored like Chicken & Waffles. Enough is enough.

            It is time that humans reverse course and devolve so that we may eventually slither back into slimy marshes and allow a new species to take the throne as kings of the food chain.  We at the CoD prefer to think of the new alpha species as a massive, eagle-like creature with a grizzly bear head, razor wings, laser eyes, sword like talons, a flame-throwing anus, and a 340 I.Q.  But the laser eyes part is pure speculation.

            Let us celebrate.  Let us commune. Let us devolve.

Greetings Brothers and Sisters and ex-fourth cousins, twice-removed (by force)

It is an incredible feeling for us at the Church of Dim to be able to commune with our followers and build our faith, truly from the ground up.  Or the heavens down.  We look forward to an exciting first year of our religion, and the amazing events it might hold (perhaps even an IRS audit!).

Do not mistake, however, the uncertainty of our beliefs, our direction, and even our deity, as evidence of our incredibility.  T’would be blasphemous. Verily. In fact, we are a patient faith, and wait for visions of enlightenment as to our next steps and the building of blocks, individually, to form our religion.  But we need YOU.

You, as the members of the Church of Dim, will also help guide, decide, and visualize specific elements of our growing faith.  So commune with us and transmit your thoughts to us, project your visions, and certainly your love, to us.  And each other.

You are on the ground floor of the world’s newest, bestest, and one true faith.

You are a proud member of the church of dim

                       -spread the news-