“The Book of Trial” by Brother O’Brien

Mother Amoeba did come to me in a dream in the form of a Mounds bar, but since I hate coconut, I ignored her.  THEN, she came in the form of a Twix, which I verily worshiped.

Long story short, here is the first chapter of The Book of Trial !

The Book of

Trial

ONE

  1. Mother Amoeba did then create man by allowing monkey-apes to evolve, and it pleased Her on that day.
  2. The next morning Mother Amoeba did feel not as pleased, so she called in sick and took a personal day. Verily.
  3. Man was clever. Perhaps too clever.
  4. Man did develop a system of environmental usage, based on a series of questions: 1) Can I kill it?  2) Can I eat it?  3) Can I subjugate it?  4) Can I have physical congress with it? 5) Does it amuse me?  Based on the answers to these questions, human actions were determined.
  5. Some forms of life did fall into all of these categories, which verily caused many problems. While some humans, full of meat, did want to make a life form a source of amusement, others did want to have physical congress with it.
  6. Humans were born without a conscience and would laugh at, have physical congress with, and consume a form of life in a single night, which did make many species develop defense mechanisms through evolution for self-preservation, and presumably, self-respect.
  7. As the sun set on one day, a woman human did ask her partner, a man human, if “she looked fat.”  As the woman had consumed many starches and raw swine for many months, the man human did confirm her fear and state that she was verily fat.  The resulting domestic abuse was both swift and severe, leaving the man human in a poor state of health. Other male humans did observe this incident and learned a valuable lesson that day. This day is also known as “The Birth of Self-Preserving Lies.”
  8. Many sunsets later, humans did accidentally discover fire by chipping stone spears near swine grease.  The resulting scene did involve much laughter and joy as some humans lit other humans with fire, and many were amused by the spectacle of terror and pain as the lesser humans who were ablaze did run into the forest in panic, resulting into a forest fire which obliterated much of the countryside.  Fire would only be re-invented 3,000 years later and used for more practical purposes, such as the ignition of Og’s flatulence.
  9. Humans did continue to exploit the earth and its life forms.
  10. When the deforestation by humans and Og’s continued flatulence did noticeably cause Earth temperatures to rise, many early human creatures showed concern over global climate change and their responsibility for it.  Yet, some of the less intelligent humans who did verily drag their knuckles on the ground, proclaimed that climate change was not real and so nothing was done to curb human exploitation of the world.  The intelligent human creatures did find solace in the prediction that a more advanced human in the future could never deny the truth of science and obvious facts.
  11. Mother Amoeba did return from her hiatus of 3,100 years and was displeased with man and his actions.
  12. Mother Amoeba’s wrath was swift and specific: She did create hangnails, muscle cramps, kidney stones, and boy bands.
  13. These punishments did anger mankind and he sought another recipient of his blind faith and worship. The future was verily dark.

 

Advertisements