“Mother Protozoa (Praise Be) Sets the Record Straight on Easter” by Brother O’Brien

There are many things that we believe as children that later turn out not to be true, like Santa Claus or internet privacy, but today I want to talk to you about Easter: sure, we now know that Christianity hijacked this celebration from the Pagans, who had made icons of bunnies and eggs, symbols of fertility in Spring.

What you may not know is that the filthy Pagans actually stole Easter from the Church of DIM!!! It’s true: in something-BCE, Mother Protozoa (praise be) named April’s first Sunday after the full moon to be “Eater” (the ‘S’ was later added by heathens), which meant “Yay, fungi!” The holiday was commemorated in two ways: smart people would eat too much chocolate, while the less-bright people were encouraged to search for mushrooms (not eggs) in the forest and eat them! As you can imagine, this holiday resulted in the deaths of many from ingesting poisonous growths, but that was the plan of Mother Protozoa (praise be)! In her single-celled-wisdom, she had created a celebration to curb the number of humans! Back then, the populations of villages were exploding, with up to 28 people in the larger ones! And some of them were dicks, y’all!

Anyway, thank you Mother Protozoa (praise be). So this “Easter,” when you get hungry, does yucky chocolate sound as good as a delicious, wholesome, mushroom-hunt?
Happy Eater, everybody!

—Brother O’Brien

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“Death Day” by Richard O’Brien

MAJOR HOLIDAY “Death Day” (June 17th) – There are dichotomies within the Church of DIM, and death is one of them.  While human death would seem natural and actually further the goals of the CoD, we are actually quite attached to our own lives and respect that others feel the same.  And since death is the ultimate fear, today we celebrate by spitting in the face of Death (believe me, he deserves it).  Today you can and should literally whistle past the graveyard, dress in deathly attire, however you interpret that, and laugh at the thought of your own mortality. What convinces you that you will die someday?  Just because everyone else in history has?  Don’t be such a sucker – immortality is easy (at level 9 of the Church of DIM. Level-up = $499 + tip).  You may or may not choose to engage in the annual “Blood Dance with the Devil” around a campfire.  Per tradition, disco music, partial nudity, overcooked meats, and blood-curdling screams will accompany the dance.  Tradition also holds that the celebration shall not end until a passerby is so horrified by the spectacle that they or their children are brought to tears. The harder you party, the sadder you make Death.  Cookies and juice to follow.

—Richard O’Brien

“DIM Open Slap Day!” by Brother O’Brien

“DIM Open Slap Day” (June 16th) – We don’t condone violence at the Church of DIM as there is more than enough to enjoy in everyday life, but once a year we like to make a small exception, and today is that day, fellow Dimmers!  Cut off in traffic?  Person in front of you in line talking in outside voice on the phone with no regard for others?  Stranger says something jaw-droppingly ignorant with conviction?  Open slaps.  Right in their stupid faces.  Either they will consider your reaction and decide to change their behavior or, more likely, they will just be angry – but hey, either way, you still get the thrill of open-slapping an idiot in the face.  Right in their stupid, stupid faces. Slap. With your hand. Opened. Open slap.  As always, if someone objects to something as innocuous as an open slap to the face, claim religious persecution. And slap them again.

—Brother O’Brien

“Rejection Day!” by Brother O’Brien

“Rejection Day” (June 15th) – NO, today will not be easy, Dimmers. In fact, for some it may be the most difficult day of the year. In an effort to make our followers resilient and more confident, today you shall intentionally seek out rejection by strangers. Will that bus driver lend you $500 so you can buy velvet pants? Will that barista let you carefully and methodically choose each individual coffee bean for your latte? Will those two nuns agree to pose for your erotic coffee table book? Will the student loan people allow you to perform some household chores in lieu of the $25,000 you owe them? Give them a call and find out! With each rejection, you will become tougher and more outgoing, and if something goes wrong and someone says “Yes,” then hey, new velvet pants! And, after a hard day of getting rejected, per Church of DIM tradition, curl up with some good pharmaceuticals and pour a cup of hot cocoa directly into a half-full jar of marshmallow cream – diabetelicious!

—Brother O’Brien

“Even More New Holidays” by Brother O’Brien

“2 more holidays – having fun receiving instructions from Mother Amoeba.” —O’Brien

“Day of the Inappropriate Conga Line” (June 11th) – Self-explanatory. Suggestions: Funerals, DMVs, murder trials, freeways, use your imagination! As an organizer of an inappropriate conga line, if you attract ten spontaneous joiners to the line it shall result in an automatic level-up in the CoD and your “Inappropriate Conga Line” patch.

June 12th is, of course, Day of Debauchery! (One of our favorites!)

“Dimmee-Gimmee-Gifting Day” (June 13th) – This is a day in which Dimmers take what they have earned. Every person on Earth owes you a gift today, so get an early start. You shall have the inherent right to approach every non-Dimmer and politely ask what they have for you. If necessary, explain the sacred holiday to them. You may accept anything from a
stick of gum to a new Ferrari, keeping in mind that the CoD shall receive 9% of total value of what you collect. If you run into a rare situation in which a non-Dimmer refuses to give you anything, narrow your eyes and say in your deepest, darkest voice, “That is okay,
human, I have taken your soul instead…” then scream “ANTI-DIMMITE! ANTI-DIMMITE!” for all to hear. Note: In the event that you ask a fellow Dimmer for a gift on Dimmee-Gimmee-Gifting Day, you shall both laugh, trade a gift of equal value, and then sing, “I take from you, you take from me, Dimmers forever in e-tern-ity, Mother Amoeba – her life praise thee, single-celled is the way for we!” (For unknown reasons lost in its origin, when the two Dimmers part and begin to walk away, they shall both look back at the other Dimmer with an expression of suspicion and mistrust, bordering on contempt).

—Brother O’Brien

“Why is There No Holiday for June 6th?” by Brother Yates

Some of you (the READERS anyway) may have noticed that we didn’t post any new holiday for June 6th, and I bet you’re wondering WHY??? Because that is already an extremely holy day in the Church of DIM calendar: ST. SOBCHAK’S DAY!!!

If you have no idea what that is, or what the evening before, St. Sobchak’s Eve, are all about, then you need to educate yourself immediately! This religion has an illustrious history, and if you’re planning on being a member (and really, you have no choice at this point), you need to be an EDUCATED member—or you’ll be destroyed. Thanks!

—Brother Yates

“New DIM Holiday!!!” by Brother O’Brien

“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough Day” (June 10th) – If we are being literal, yes,
every mountain is high enough, in fact too high for a Dimmer. We
prefer not to traverse anything larger than a very small mound of
grass. The truth is, this day is about something much greater.
Certainly you’ve heard stories of people gaining high-level employment
until 20 years later when someone actually realizes they topped out at
eighth grade? Well, listen up: on this day you should send out dozens
of resumes to your dream jobs – but not just any jobs – jobs that pay
$250,000+ a year and ones that you are ridiculously unqualified for.
I’m definitely not saying, YES, YOU SHOULD LIE on these resumes; that
would be unethical.

Sure, you will get responses that say things like, “Are
you f**king kidding me?” and “Is this a joke?” and “For the last time,
there is no such thing as an ‘Ice Cream Czar’ in the federal
government!” you might also be surprised to find out that no one
checks out references from Bill Gates and President Obama or your
triple doctorate from Oxford or your term as the Prime Minister of
Madeupistan. Anything is possible, Dimmers, so let’s get some of our
people into some positions of influence!

—Brother O’Brien

“New DIM Holidays” by Brother O’Brien

“Reflection of the DIM Day” (June 1st) – This day shall be presented as the day in which Dimmers gather their families with The Book of DIM (publishing date TBD) and reflect on the tribulations and trials we have gone through in our religion’s history. This is what we tell outsiders, of course. In ACTUALITY, however, this is the day we hit the water park and drink fancy cocktails which have at least 3 of the following: -A tiny umbrella, -Pineapple wedge, -Multiple Maraschino cherries, -A tiny paper flag denoting the country of the drink’s origin, -Crazy straw (minimum: 3 loops or crazier), -A whole coconut, -A swizzle stick with extra swizzle, -A Crucifix (for humor and blasphemy). Enjoy, Dimmers, for tomorrow we must go back to work! Or do we? Let’s check out tomorrow’s holiday…

“Actually Day” (June 2nd) – On this day, we shall be wholly contrarian for contrarian’s sake. All responses to any comments made by others shall start with “Actually…” spoken in a condescending and increasingly lengthy tone. For example, Person A: “It’s really hot out there.” Dimmer: “Accctually, it really isn’t. A Spiny Desert Lizard would find this temperature a bit chilly, to say the least. Morrrreover, ‘out there’ is 99.9999999% outer space, wherein the temperature is well below freezing. So you might want to think about these kinds of nonsense statements before you make them.”

“Gay Day” (June 3rd) – It should go without saying that gays and lesbians are our closest allies at the CoD – anyone who does not physically reproduce humans is a hero in our book (publishing date TBD).

“Retro-Gross Day” (June 4th) – On this day you are on a mission to track down an edible childhood favorite – a candy, a food, a drink, and then savor the exciting moment you try it again for the first time in decades… right before you spit it out in disgust. Were those little candy dots on strips of paper really that tasty, or are they nothing but flavorless sugar beads that invariably rips off a bit of paper with it, making it even more repulsive? (For advanced Dimmers, Level 8 or higher, Retro-Gross Day can also be applied to people, wherein you look up your crush in the high school yearbook and realize that they were a disgusting mess of hairspray and facial expressions).

“Media Day” (June 5th) – On this day every Dimmer shall call local and national print, radio, internet, and television news outlets and demand to know why The Church of DIM is purposely being ignored by the news media and demand equal airtime as Christianity. If this doesn’t work, remind them that DIM’s “Kick a Human Day” celebration is not too far away.
“Kick a Human Day” (June 6th) – This is exactly what it sounds like, but keep a few things in mind: 1) It is not advisable to kick someone you live with because they know where you sleep, 2) People tend to kick back, and 3) Jail. But with regard to this last caution, it should be noted that as a CoD follower, you have the right to follow the tenets of your religion; if anyone responds negatively to being kicked, simply scream at them, “OPPRESSOR! OPPRESSOR!”

“Dirty Little Secret Day” (June 7th) – (To be honest, this is less a holiday and more of a recruitment day, so please indulge in triple-layer chocolate cake and a bad comedy at 9:00 p.m. as a celebration). On this day you shall remind everyone you meet, in the most serious tone, that you know that secret they’re hiding – yeah, that one. Most will try to laugh it off, but in the depths of their minds, there is a small bit of panic that grows, despite the brain’s protest that it is not true. Use that panic to convince them that the only way to bury that secret forever is to join the CoD. Remind them that initiation is absolutely free, right after a $249.00 initiation fee.

“Googly-Eye Day” (June 8th) – Yes, I know this sounds like a throwaway holiday,
maybe even one you want to skip so you can actually go to WORK, but
take our word for it, this day is far more entertaining than it
sounds. On this day Dimmers shall place googly-eyes on EVERYTHING – A
book? Googly-eyes. A stop sign? Googly-eyes. A baby? Hell yeah,
googly-eyes! Everything is better with googly-eyes and you will
experience it for yourself. Remember to place your googly-eyes orders
online – due to the large numbers of Dimmers, local craft stores will
run out. From tiny googlies to humongous googlies, go paint the town
googly!

MAJOR HOLIDAY: “Snake and Bunny Day” (June 9th) – It’s hard to put this day into
simple terms: it is about the celebration of life (other than human,
obviously); it is about the unexpected; and it is obviously about
Snake and Bunny. As foretold in the Book of DIM (publishing date
TBD), it is actually Bunny that would emerge as the embodiment of
unholy evil and Snake that would be the bringer of kindness, and often
friendly advice and snacks. In fact, it is said that the venomous
bite of Snake will bring you 42 years good luck and that the soft,
warm cuddle of Bunny will result in gastrointestinal distress for 42
hours, followed by death. On this day, celebrate your enemies and
curse your loved ones in the morning, then do the opposite when you
realize that your loved ones might have been Snakes all along! There
is much more to this wonderful holiday, including songs, traditional
foods, and a Snake sculpture that can only be obtained through the
official Church of Dim for a nominal price of $109 (note: Snake
sculpture may or may not be just an old piece of garden hose with
googly eyes). To learn more about this holiday, simply join the
Church of DIM and reach “Level 4”! Happy Snake and Bunny Day!

Traditional Snake and Bunny song:

“Snake and Bun-ny!
Snake and Bun-ny!
One took my heart
and the other took my mon-ey!

Snake and Bun-ny,
forever you remain,
as the source of my joy,
the other the source of my pain!

While the carrots roast
and the mice do boil,
I think of goodness
and I think of toil.

Snake slithers in at the stroke of ten,
and entertains boys and girls while he sheds his skin!
The cute bunny hops in through the mail slot,
and plays with you, but now rabies you’ve got!

Get out the Gershrongs and taffle the Phlarp,
because Snake and Bunny arrive at 10 p.m. sharp!
Who will it be? Everyone must choose their horse,
but if you choose Bunny he’ll kill you, of course!

So let down the Knidle and blow the Krintz,
snake and Bunny Day is upon us, YAY Snake the Prince!

—Brother O’Brien

“September is False Rumor Month!” by Richard O’Brien, Richard F. Yates, & Angelica Deyott (and Mark Counts)

All this month, start and spread as many false rumors as you can. Make them as stupid and ridiculous as possible, partially so that you will frequently get caught lying. The purpose of this month-long holiday is to infect the populace with fear and confusion, thereby making the world a better place.

True rumors are frowned upon, as telling the truth is never a good idea.

October 1st will, of course, be “Apologize for All the Bad Shit That Happened Because of the False Rumors” Day, which is of course, of course, a holy day and should be requested off from work.

—O’Brien, Yates, & Deyott

[No, it isn’t….and you didn’t hear it from me….. —Mark Counts]

[And a special thank you to Richard Yates, still keeping a stiff upper lip while undergoing a DEA investigation into the baseless accusations that he is trading black market Viagra for backstage passes to Miley Cyrus concerts. Stay strong, brother! —Richard O’Brien]

“HOLY HOLIDAYS BATMAN! It’s the OFFICIAL CoD Calendar for JANUARY!” by Brother O’Brien & Brother Yates

It is the mission of the Church of DIM to reconnect humanity with the mystery and terror of life that pre-modern societies understood and which caused them to invent religions in the first place. Today, we just aren’t confused or afraid enough, so we at the CoD feel it is our HOLY DUTY to make life scary, confusing, disorienting, and monstrous again. To help with this process, the MASTERMINDS behind the CoD have channeled the Spirit of Mother Protozoa and she has dictated these HOLY DAYS, these BLESSED HOLIDAYS, which teach us, the followers of the CoD, important lessons that will help us to confuse, annoy, terrify, and bombard the NON-DIMMERS with concepts that will inspire them to turn to the Church of DIM—the only religion that embraces CHAOS, FEAR, and FUN all at the same time! (Right now, the MASSES are too complacent, too wrapped up in their Atari games, watching their M*A*S*H and Night Court on television, and listening to their Steve Miller Band records. It sickens me.) With that said, here are your NEW HOLY HOLIDAYS!!! (Remember, these are OFFICIAL RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS and they can each be requested off from work, with threats of religious persecution and litigation if the requests are not complied with! Wink! Wink!)
January’s HOLY Days—

1st: Stabbed in the Back Day – The 1st of January each year is when we in the Church of Dim think back on all the people who have offended, betrayed, hurt, slighted, insulted, angered, or irritated us at any time in our lives, AND WE PLOT OUR REVENGE. Life is far too short to go around forgiving every asshole, dick-head, or moron that needs to be punished for their crimes, no matter how incidental or unintentional the offense may seem to society. The HOLY GRUDGE is a sacred pact in the DIM faith that can only be broken in extreme cases (like prosecution or a sizable payoff.) Mind you, January 1st in NOT the day to ACT on any of these revenge plots. (That doesn’t happen until February 14th: Violentimes Day.) January 1st is for planning, plotting, and fantasizing—executing our revenge ONLY in our heads… (For now.)

2nd: Faux Resolution Day – While many have already failed in their New Year’s resolutions made the day previous, it is time to impress people. First, choose a resolution to change a behavior you don’t even have, then spread the word. Within 30 days, people will be proud and impressed when you pass the one month mark without: smoking crack–committing arson– or perhaps telling children that Santa killed their REAL parents. Soon, your coworkers will celebrate you as an inspiration: the person who stopped doing that terrible thing cold turkey. Bravo!

3rd: Psychic Vision Day – On this day each year, every member of the CoD must have at least ONE psychic vision, IN PUBLIC, pulling out all the bells and whistles (metaphorically speaking—Bells & Whistles Day isn’t until the 29th of January) and being as dramatic as possible. Swooning, fake trances, hand on the forehead, eyes fluttering or rolling back, etc… But here’s the kicker: All the psychic visions and prophecies for the day must be of a ridiculously mundane nature. Lost car keys and wallets, having lunch with someone sometime in the next year, will watch a t.v. program and be disappointed. The goal is, as our religion understands, the more theatrical but pointless an action is, the more HOLY!

4th: Ask and Answer Day – Is this an official CoD holiday? Yes, it is. Do we feel good about it? Yes, we do. Will this annoy the absolute shits out of your friends and family? Yes, yes it will.

5th: Guilty and Ashamed Day – On this day (and ONLY this day) each year, we recognize that we are guilty of the crime of being alive, and as punishment, we must hide our faces in shame from the judgmental Sun. Masks, hoods, dark glasses, face paint, at least a mustache (if it’s big enough) can be used to hide your face, concealing your identity and guilt—and HELL, since you’re already guilty and disguised…I mean covered up for religious reasons, any EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES that go down that day are strictly “Off the Record.” Be sure to tell anyone who asks you to remove your “Shame Covering” while in public that they are interfering with your religious freedom and that your lawyers will be happy to discuss the details with them! Shame…

6th: Gildengarben Day! – Everything seems more special when it is gold! Just grab a can of spray paint and find some garbage: an old sock, a used Q-tip, a half-eaten grapefruit, the list is endless! Then, when one of your fantastical gems is discovered, simply sneak behind the confused person and scream as loudly as you can, “GILDENGARBEN! GILDENGARBEN! GILDENGARBEN!” Never gets old.

7th: Subtle Sarcasm Day – Put the world in its place whenever possible today, but do it in a way that leaves the world wondering if you’re being serious or just being snarky. (This day is, of course, in honor of St. Lewis: The Great Snark Hunter!)

8th: Too Many Friends Day! – This is the special day when you stop what you’re saying and only say what you’re thinking! (Extreme warning: Do not, under any circumstances, be around people on this day, particularly your family. This is a good day to skip work and not answer your phone for 24 hours).

9th: Not Enough Friends Day – This is the day we mope around, acting depressed, and mumbling about how everyone hates us. If anyone brings up anything you did the day before, on Too Many Friends Day, tell them that the Devil made you do it, then threaten to sue them…

10th: G2 Day – All conversation must be in movie quotes! Sound fun? Not so fast. All quotes must come from Gremlins 2: “The New Batch.”

11th: Amnesia Day – Whenever it would be funny or annoying or useful, pretend to have amnesia. Someone wants you to help them move? Say, “Who are you!?!?” Didn’t remember to do the dishes or finish mowing the low? Sway on your feet and say, in a dreamy voice, “There was this bright light…and I suddenly felt like I was floating…and now I just…I just can’t remember…” Then rub the back of your neck and stare at the person with your eyes open as wide as you can open them! (This holiday will help you get out of much work, and will confuse and frustrate many people! Hooray!)

12th: Black Helicopter Day – From the moment a CoD member wakes up today, every single person and event, no matter how unremarkable, contributes to your increasing state of paranoia. Was that a Snickers wrapper that little girl just threw in the trash? Or was it a laser marker for an impeding aerial assault? Hint: it was the second one.

13th: Confirming the Myth Day! – Today, you confirm not only your belief in every monster, urban legend, conspiracy theory, and superstition you can think of, but you also tell anyone who will listen to you that you have incontrovertible proof! Your sister had one of her kidneys stolen while she was in Vegas, and you’ve SEEN THE SCAR YOUR SELF! Your uncle was raped by Bigfoot! You saw a reptilian disguised as a Senator in a bathroom at the capital building in Olympia. Elvis used to rent a room from your ex-girlfriend’s grandfather, who owns a hotel in Flagstaff, and he caught Elvis performing a Satanic ritual sacrifice in the parking garage with a group of robed figures, but they all escaped before the cops arrived. Your brother was abducted by aliens when you were a teenager, and you found him, six days later, wandering around in the woods with a strange metal chip implanted in the side of his head. Jesus came to you in a dream and cured your planters warts, and when you woke up, they were gone! It’s all true—at least on the 13th…

14th: Go Ahead, Do It Day! – In the spirit of the core message of the CoD, the fall of man, on this day we encourage you to start a new bad habit! The more dangerous, the better! Never chewed tobacco? Never took steroids or tried sexual asphyxia? We’ve heard good things – try it!

15th: Holy Shit Day! – This is the day when CoD-ers (or Dimminites, if you prefer) declare every bad, yucky, terrible, or inappropriate that they see to be ART. Pile of dog shit on the sidewalk? ART! Car crash? ART! Man swindling hundreds of elderly women out of their retirement money? ART! Bar fight with lots of blood and broken glass? ART! If you have a camera and can snap a photo of the ART and can share it on a social media site, that’s awesome. If you want to make some ART of your own, that’s EVEN BETTER! ART is HOLY, even (or especially) if it’s SHIT!

16th: Microbe Madness! – It’s the day to get in touch with our saviors! You know that filthy cesspool of a river under those train tracks? Time for a swim! You know that greasy spoon down the street that got a health department rating of “God help us all”? Time to eat! Let Mother Protozoa work her way inside you and feel the spirit!

17th: Light a Candle Because It’s Fun to Watch Things Burn Night – Tonight we will all light a candle and watch it burn because it’s fun to watch things burn. What other things would be fun to watch burn to the ground?

18th: Do Good Works Day – Okay, I know what you’re thinking, that human benevolence spits in the face of what we are trying to achieve, and that is why when you do something nice for someone today, you must have seriously sketchy ulterior motives. At the very least, we will give the false impression to society that the CoD is about kindness and mercy (suckers).

19th: Go Back Two Spaces Day! – Life is sometimes like a board game, and for this incredibly HOLY holiday, we go back two… This might seem weird and cryptic, but I don’t give a shit about your petty criticisms. Whatever it is in life that’s bugging you, go back two. Anything sound like it’s going to be boring or unappealing? Go back two. Remember that holiday we had two days ago, go back two—and do that shit again, only DOUBLE!

20th: False, Sir. Day! – Today is celebrated by contradicting every single statement of fact uttered by others. e.g. Some dude: “Abraham Lincoln was the 16th president of the United States.” You: “Actually, that’s not quite true.” Then, when pressed for further explanation, just mumble some generalities, such as “That’s just what they want you to believe” or “C’mon, follow the money, man” or “Do you really think it’s that simple?” Hatred from others warning: 9.8
Snake Denies Your Beliefs

21st: Worship Yourself Day! – Why not? You are just as full of Mother Amoeba’s love as any other living thing swimming in bacteria, viruses, and single-celled life. Worship yourself today, in whatever manner pleases you most! (I mean, who in the 74 Hells else is going to do it?)

22nd: On Notice Day – Today, every CoD member must post at least two different notices in public, conspicuous places. The content is up to you! Perhaps you are in the mind to sell a slightly-chewed pencil, or maybe you prefer a missing poster offering a 75 cent reward to whomever finds your soul. Get creative!

23rd: “All Dead, All Dead” Day – Today we remember the fictional lives massacred by the giant robot in the Queen album NEWS OF THE WORLD by listening, at least once, to the HOLY HYMN, “All Dead, All Dead,” and thinking about our own possible demise at the hands of a mechanical menace, either sent from the stars or let lose by our own damned intelligences. (On a secondary note, January 23rd is also Long Ass-ed Rambling Sentence Day. Praise be the blowhards and untiring pontificators!!!)

24th: No Day Day – The Church of Dim does NOT recognize January 24th – we will not conform to The Man’s calendar. Also, this makes it very exciting when people try to schedule you for anything. Please use this day to commit any crimes you have been putting off. Good luck to a prosecutor trying to prove you did something on a day that doesn’t exist!

25th: It’s All a Dream Day – Today we recognize the undeniable fact that NONE OF THIS IS REAL! None. Nada. All poof… It doesn’t matter how you celebrate because POOF!

26th: Your Lucky Day! – Today, play all lotto games using random or chosen numbers. On the 1:796,000,000 chance you win, donate 95% of all winnings to the CoD (use pre-tax figures only – the CoD is not interested in paying for YOUR taxes, hippie).

27th: Cookie Day – Today, eat as many cookies as you can! Cookies are awesome, especially the most HOLY chocolate chip, Mother Amoeba’s favorite.

28th: Spread the Love Day! – This is the day in which you open up to friends and family, letting them know how much you care for and love them; however, to keep this day from becoming a horribly, sickening-sweet emotion-fest, every statement of feelings shall be absolutely dripping with sarcasm.

29th: Bells & Whistles Day – Make as much noise as you can all day. Hum, clap, cough, whistle, bang on stuff, clank chains or tin cups, interrupt others’ conversations, and generally disrupt everything in the world with sound! All day and all through the night!!! (Make noise until the police come…then stop.)

30th: Keep ’em Guessing Day – Today, you will have many cell phone conversations, without an actual phone. When in public places, simply start speaking to your mom, your banker, or even someone with a wrong number. Drive bystanders crazy as they try to figure out where your bluetooth is.

31st: Statistical Proof Day – Whenever possible, make up bizarre, improbable, statistical anomalies that are absolutely out of context with the rest of the conversation, and we use those fictional statistics to prove our made-up points. While having coffee with a significant other, casually drop some tidbit, like this: “71% of Americans believe their cars are intelligent” or “I saw online that only 15% of the Republicans in the Senate remember their own first name. Most of them, about 49%, think their first name is ‘Senator.'” Pointless information, falsified numbers, all ridiculously disconnected to the time and place you say them. There’s still a 97% chance that what you say will be more accurate than anything said on Fox News. (The point of this HOLY day is to prove that statistics are stupid. So sayeth the Mother!)

—O’Brien & Yates

P.S. – Keep an eye out for our FEBRUARY calendar, so you know how to celebrate and get a few free days off of work in the midst of Winter!!!