“Civil War in the Church of DIM!”

Brother O’Brien here. Look, I get no pleasure from discussing this internal, sensitive matter, but I feel that the Church of DIM must be transparent (also hollow, vacuous, inane, and vapid). It is with sadness that I report that Brothers Yates and Erdahl have waged a personal war against each other. It seems that during a strategy meeting, Brother Yates suggested that the CoD “fleece” the masses while Brother Erdahl preferred we “shear” the masses. Naturally, my first attempt to quell the dispute was to explain that these were both metaphors describing harvesting sheeps’ wool and that we could all agree that we want to cheat people, but it was to no avail.

The argument soon exploded into personal insults, wherein Brother Yates called Brother Erdahl a “sweet-scented dandy” and Brother Erdahl said that Brother Yates was “all hat and no cattle.” As you could predict, this resulted in Brother Yates stabbing Brother Erdahl in the hamstring with an old, blue, rusty potato peeler and Brother Erdahl poisoning Brother Yates’ second cousin from Oklahoma, whom Brother Erdahl thought was very close to Brother Yates. But, as it turns out, Brother Yates had a falling out with that cousin over a disagreement between the color of a book cover: “deep fuchsia” v. “medium orchid.”

I will keep you informed as the battle continues…

—Brother O’Brien

“New DIM Holiday!!!” by Brother O’Brien

“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough Day” (June 10th) – If we are being literal, yes,
every mountain is high enough, in fact too high for a Dimmer. We
prefer not to traverse anything larger than a very small mound of
grass. The truth is, this day is about something much greater.
Certainly you’ve heard stories of people gaining high-level employment
until 20 years later when someone actually realizes they topped out at
eighth grade? Well, listen up: on this day you should send out dozens
of resumes to your dream jobs – but not just any jobs – jobs that pay
$250,000+ a year and ones that you are ridiculously unqualified for.
I’m definitely not saying, YES, YOU SHOULD LIE on these resumes; that
would be unethical.

Sure, you will get responses that say things like, “Are
you f**king kidding me?” and “Is this a joke?” and “For the last time,
there is no such thing as an ‘Ice Cream Czar’ in the federal
government!” you might also be surprised to find out that no one
checks out references from Bill Gates and President Obama or your
triple doctorate from Oxford or your term as the Prime Minister of
Madeupistan. Anything is possible, Dimmers, so let’s get some of our
people into some positions of influence!

—Brother O’Brien

“The Re-Rebirth of DIM” by Brother O’Brien

The Re-Rebirth of DIM (thunder crashes and a baby cries)

Today, the 28th of April, 2016, if you follow the filthy, heathen calendar, is a day that will live in infirmary, as we had a meeting of the minds: Brother Yates, Brother O’Brien, and Sister Eveland – Sister Eveland contends that she is “DIMnostic” but we are sure she will be on board after the Electro-Slap Treatments™. We proudly announce the resurrection of The Church of DIM (cat hissing and blood-curdling scream), which worships single-celled organisms (praise be Mother Amoeba) and believes that humans should begin its devolution and eventually crawl back into the swamps of darkness so that other creatures may take over the world. Essentially, we had our chance, people, and we royally screwed it up, so let’s see how sea otters and ferrets can run it for a while.

But listen, we know it will take some convincing to convert you, so you should know that we have created over 50 religious DIM holidays (seriously) on our way to all 365 days on the filthy, heathen calendar, meaning that you can take every single day off due to your religion. In addition, our tithing rate is only 9%, compared to the ridiculous and exploitive 10% ‘other’ religions demand. There is far more of the Word of DIM that we wish to share with you, brethren, so stay tuned for further updates from your Church of DIM overlords (aka “management team”).

—Brother O’Brien