“Bacteria Religion Officially Endorses Presidential Candidate”

NBC News (31 May 2016) “Bacteria Religion Officially Endorses Presidential Candidate”

The now all-too-familiar Church of DIM, whose believers claim that humans have overstayed their welcome on Planet Earth and should begin devolution in earnest, have officially endorsed a presidential candidate: Donald Trump.  “We couldn’t be happier with our choice of presidential candidates this election,” Brother O’Brien of the CoD stated, “but in the end Donald Trump was the very easy choice; he is ignorant, inept at anything other than filing for bankruptcy, and has a childlike ego which drives him to make terrible, terrible decisions. It is with Trump at the helm that we believe that the world will dissolve into a Mad Maxian dystopia, and we at the CoD just couldn’t be more tickled.”  The Trump campaign still has not rejected the endorsement, but did state that the CoD’s campaign slogan for Trump, “Vote for the Degenerate!” was a bit troubling, but not entirely inaccurate.

“Death Day” by Richard O’Brien

MAJOR HOLIDAY “Death Day” (June 17th) – There are dichotomies within the Church of DIM, and death is one of them.  While human death would seem natural and actually further the goals of the CoD, we are actually quite attached to our own lives and respect that others feel the same.  And since death is the ultimate fear, today we celebrate by spitting in the face of Death (believe me, he deserves it).  Today you can and should literally whistle past the graveyard, dress in deathly attire, however you interpret that, and laugh at the thought of your own mortality. What convinces you that you will die someday?  Just because everyone else in history has?  Don’t be such a sucker – immortality is easy (at level 9 of the Church of DIM. Level-up = $499 + tip).  You may or may not choose to engage in the annual “Blood Dance with the Devil” around a campfire.  Per tradition, disco music, partial nudity, overcooked meats, and blood-curdling screams will accompany the dance.  Tradition also holds that the celebration shall not end until a passerby is so horrified by the spectacle that they or their children are brought to tears. The harder you party, the sadder you make Death.  Cookies and juice to follow.

—Richard O’Brien

“DIM Open Slap Day!” by Brother O’Brien

“DIM Open Slap Day” (June 16th) – We don’t condone violence at the Church of DIM as there is more than enough to enjoy in everyday life, but once a year we like to make a small exception, and today is that day, fellow Dimmers!  Cut off in traffic?  Person in front of you in line talking in outside voice on the phone with no regard for others?  Stranger says something jaw-droppingly ignorant with conviction?  Open slaps.  Right in their stupid faces.  Either they will consider your reaction and decide to change their behavior or, more likely, they will just be angry – but hey, either way, you still get the thrill of open-slapping an idiot in the face.  Right in their stupid, stupid faces. Slap. With your hand. Opened. Open slap.  As always, if someone objects to something as innocuous as an open slap to the face, claim religious persecution. And slap them again.

—Brother O’Brien

“The (True) Book of Progress” as channeled by Brother O’Brien

The Testament of DIM

The (True) Book of

Progress

THREE

 

  1. Before man, the true origin of life rests in the single-celled beginning of life, a mere pool of organisms that, through anomaly and reproduction, did become more than single-cells.
  2. And from this stew of life did come tiny amphibians and poopanuses, but Mother Amoeba did disapprove of this name, so they were renamed “pollywogs,” which amused Her.
  3. For 3 million years, pollywogs did rule the swamps of Earth, which made them arrogant and there arose much bullying of less-developed species, so Mother Amoeba did turn them into frogs, which blew everyone’s minds. Frogs turned out to be far less condescending and were beloved by all swamp creatures.
  4. It was in one of the carcasses of a frog that the first maggot did appear, which Mother Amoeba turned into flies after complaints were filed regarding the yuckiness of the maggots.
  5. With Mother Amoeba’s creations now both waterborne and airborne, evolution accelerated exponentially.
  6. Lizards.
  7. Rodents.
  8. Birds.
  9. Monkeys.
  10. Flying monkeys (but only briefly – they did displease Mother Amoeba, making “The Wizard of Oz” a forbidden film in the Church of DIM).
  11. Regular monkeys were beloved by all creatures except hair lice, but verily, hair lice had an inferior lobby presence and their preferences were ignored.
  12. Several monkey artists did arrange a gallery of suggested new species for Mother Amoeba for Her to either reject or say it was so.
  13. And Mother Amoeba said it was so, and it was so. In contrast, when the Christian god said it was so, it was so-so.

 

“Unfortunate Cancellation” by Brother O’Brien

Important Notice for Dimmers,

Dear Church of DIM followers, it troubles me to inform you that our ‘Million-Dimmer March’ on June 1st has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. As it happens, our rally was in Raleigh, and as a consequence for the passage of North Carolina’s anti-LGBT
bill, the Church of DIM refuses to contribute one dime to their state’s economy. We will try and move our traditional rally celebrations, such as the “Rubber Pants Party,” “Mini Golf Murder,” and event favorites such as “Who’s Got the Antidote?!” to an alternate venue.

A possible location for rescheduling is Mexico City, where we encourage all Dimmers, “DO drink the water!” to get closer to Mother Amoeba! (Date TBD)

—Brother O’Brien

Chapter Two – The Book of “Progress”

1.      The origin of Snake is of great importance.

2.      In the beginning, Snake was hardly recognizable: he was
bipedal, clothed in the finest linens, and was extremely successful in
the business of dinosaur extinction.

3.      The first corporation, preceding even human beings by 66
million years, Exxon, did seek out Snake in the interest of killing
and burying dinosaurs so that they might transform into petroleum over
the course of time.

4.      Snake was adept at his job and found tricking dinosaurs into
walking over a cliff quite easy, but sometimes, in moments of boredom,
Snake did arrange Colosseum-style battles involving every different
dinosaur species.

5.      Soon, Snake was very wealthy and did become the first creature
to own a wheel, a sign of prestige.

6.      Snake also enslaved prehistoric beavers to remove massive
swaths of forest in order to better his view of the world.

7.      Snake was still not satisfied and began to feed beans and
broccoli to all animal creatures in order to enjoy the sound of their
massive flatulence, which verily contributed to global climate change.

8.      Snake’s now large collection of stone wheels did scar the
earth in every direction.

9.      But still Snake was not happy. Not with his collection of
wheels; not with his fine, developed appendages: not with his
flamboyant colors; not with his huge brain; not even with his portable
music player which consisted of two songbirds strapped to his ears, a
great technological advancement.

10.  In a moment of blissful awareness, then, Snake did realize the
Truth. Snake had contributed greatly to the wide destruction of the
land and the environment. Without mercy, snake had brought death upon
the creatures of the world, all for his wealth and amusement. Snake
was the problem. But verily, Snake would save the world from what he
had become.

11.  Snake did release the prehistoric beavers and songbirds; he did
stop killing dinosaurs, though they were mostly gone at this point; he
did remove his clothes, offer his appendages to a swamp teeming with
single-celled organisms until bacterial infection caused them to fall
off, leaving Snake only to slither, a skill far more difficult to
acquire than one would think.

12.  Over time, Snake learned the pleasure of simply slithering
through tree branches and eating fruit.

13.  Snake had learned life’s lesson, realizing only the most ignorant
and arrogant of species would attempt to “progress” and sacrifice the
good of the earth for their own benefit.  66 million years later, a
very old snake would witness the birth of humans, and Snake was deeply
troubled. Verily.

snake worship.png

(Scholarship by Brother O’Brien. Interpretive art by Brother Yates.)

“Parents Concerned”

New Tifton Chronicle (22 May 2016) “Parents concerned about ‘filthy’
children’s new ‘DIM’ behavior”

There is no one you can find among our 442 residents of
New Tifton who have not heard of the Church of DIM by now. Billy
Sanders, 15, first discovered the self-proclaimed faith on the
internet and soon spread the details of the presumed cult amongst his
classmates. Resident Valerie Fallum said, “That boy told every child
that ‘DIM was the true faith and that it was their duty to avoid
education as it is only a tutorial on how to further destroy the
earth.’” Across town, children have obsessed in cultivating
single-celled organisms and “releasing them into the wild as a way to
impede human progress.” A class-action lawsuit has been filed against
the church’s co-founder, Richard Yates. The CoD’s other co-founder,
Richard O’Brien, provided a press-release stating that he had “never
heard of this Richard Yates, but I encourage authorities to prosecute
him to the fullest extent of the law.” Meanwhile, it has been 9 days
since the children of New Tifton have bathed, asserting that their
religion forbids the killing of bacteria. God help us.

“Church of DIM Not Welcome in Iran”

Al Jazeera (21 May 2016): “Church of DIM not welcome in Iran”

Several Iranian clerics have decided that the growing Church of DIM (CoD) violates their beliefs and insults their god, and have banned members of the Church of DIM from entry into their country. When asked for comment, ‘Brother O’Brien’ of the CoD then asked, “Does Iran have nukes?” When told the answer was “not yet,” O’Brien smiled and confidently dismissed their proposed ban as “ignorant and poopy.” “If, however,” O’Brien continued, “any of the wonderful Iranian people should choose to join the CoD, I would
implore them to keep their faith hidden in the interest of self-preservation. Salam Aliakum.”

“Rejection Day!” by Brother O’Brien

“Rejection Day” (June 15th) – NO, today will not be easy, Dimmers. In fact, for some it may be the most difficult day of the year. In an effort to make our followers resilient and more confident, today you shall intentionally seek out rejection by strangers. Will that bus driver lend you $500 so you can buy velvet pants? Will that barista let you carefully and methodically choose each individual coffee bean for your latte? Will those two nuns agree to pose for your erotic coffee table book? Will the student loan people allow you to perform some household chores in lieu of the $25,000 you owe them? Give them a call and find out! With each rejection, you will become tougher and more outgoing, and if something goes wrong and someone says “Yes,” then hey, new velvet pants! And, after a hard day of getting rejected, per Church of DIM tradition, curl up with some good pharmaceuticals and pour a cup of hot cocoa directly into a half-full jar of marshmallow cream – diabetelicious!

—Brother O’Brien

“More Bad News” (discovered by) Brother O’Brien

The Columbian (19 May 2016): “DIM Leader Arrested in Connection with
CDC Violations”

The leader of The New Church of DIM, Richard Yates, was
arrested on Wednesday morning at his home. After a brief standoff,
arresting officers allowed Yates to eat some cereal while reading the
back of the box before taking him into custody. At issue was an annual
baptism in which Yates dips new followers into a pool of
bacteria-filled water. During these sessions, Yates refers to himself
as “Reverend Al Gee,” and proclaims that the newly-baptized have “met
their maker” and will “enjoy and celebrate 3 weeks of bacterial
infections and the internally-cleansing of holy tapeworms!” Although
no deaths have resulted, the Center for Disease Control warns against
the “Dumbest ritual they have ever heard of.” Yates was released on
$1200 bail posted by his furious wife, Mariah, although he remained
insolent with regard to his right to “randomly push humans into the
sewer as a tenet of his religion.” More information forthcoming as it
becomes available.