“DIM Response” by Brother O’Brien & Brother Amoeba

Having discovered this nasty piece of propaganda circulating on the internet, we feel it is our duty to warn you all of how dangerous we are!

From: Kirkett Miller, PhD

To: the public at large

Re: insidious cult (DIM)

I am writing this open letter to the public as a warning.  My esteemed colleagues and I have intentionally kept silent about a particular pseudo-religion sweeping the web, “The Church of Dim” (CoD), as we certainly did not want to give this whackjob movement any extra legitimacy with the use of our respected names.

To begin, any “religion” which advocates a “devolution” in which humans will begin to regress through embraced ignorance and stupidity is dangerous, unethical, and should be dismissed entirely.  Despite this reckless belief system, however, the CoD has continued to enjoy shockingly large numbers of mouth-breathing recruits who seek some sort of truth through the worship of amoebas and other single-cellular life.

I pose this question: how can we possibly take seriously a “faith” that creates flyers and bumper stickers which say, “Believe in CoD,” “Cod=Peace” – and “Genus Chrystum is the Son of CoD” ?  These hunchback Neanderthal creators actually partnered with Skippers fish restaurant to launch a “Got CoD?” promotion which offered a two-piece cod basket that “tastes saviory.”  The level these scam-artists will lower themselves to apparently knows no restriction of depth.

And yes, to be honest, there is also a personal motivation for me: I was infuriated when several different species of bacteria were shipped to my home with a note which read, “CoD bless you – let these tiny worms into your heart.”  Only now is my family recovering from the trauma of being quarantined for over three months.

Additionally, we were disappointed to see that among the celebrities that the CoD boasts, Kim Kardashian and the little fat kid from Goonies have now joined their Ludacris ranks.  No, that isn’t a type-o, the rapper Ludacris is actually the CoD celebrity recruiter.  And now we hear of CoD’s prediction of Armageddon, (what they’re promoting as “Germageddon (bbq after).”  This madness must end.

At the end of the day (which is NOT “Walter Sobchek Day,” despite what you may have heard), I believe most of you are reasonable enough to avoid this laughable, yet dangerous, cult and their disgusting message.  But please, for those of you who have friends or family who might be susceptible to such cancerous hoopla, I implore you to guide them away from the sickening atrocity of CoD before it is too late.

Sincerely,

Dr. K. Miller

More wisdom from Mother Protozoa

“The pen is mightier than the sword… unless you’re in a sword fight. Then you’re screwed, mate.” ~Mother P

“A rolling stone gathers no moss… just liver spots and a coke addiction.” ~Mother P

“Two wrongs don’t make a right…but 4 lefts will put you back where you were.” ~Mother P

“When the going gets tough… it’s usually better to just quit and start a drinking habit.” ~Mother P

“No man is an island… but Raymond Burr came pretty damn close.” ~Mother P

“People in glass houses… probably spend a butt-load on curtains.” ~Mother P

“Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst… because the worst will always happen. ALWAYS.” ~Mother P

“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer… because have you seen how hot your enemies are?” ~Mother P

“God helps those who help themselves… but since God doesn’t exist, you may wanna take care of that thing yourself.” ~Mother P

More Trouble from the Eastboro Baptistas!

To all Dimericans:

As you know, the Church of Dim and The Two Ricks podcast have been targeted by the most heinous, spiteful, dangerous, volatile, and frightening group of haters: Christians.  But not just any Christians, we are being harassed by the infamous Eastboro Baptist Church (picture below).

They hate us for our beliefs; they hate us for our unwavering faith; and they hate us because we only have 8% tithing and a kick-ass goddess, Mother Protozoa.  Sure she is just a microscopic, worm-like parasite, but she has a very sweet disposition.  She is also never judgmental and allows her followers to engage in unlimited debauchery.

We need your support now more than ever, so join us today.

Praise be the Amoeba.

The Church of Dim

COD1 (1)

Party Like a Parasite!

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Hello Fellow Dimoebians!
So many of you have asked the restrictions The New Church of Dim puts on partying.  The answer to that would, of course, be… none.  In fact, partying is not only encouraged, but required under the as-of-now-unwritten 88 Commandments (praise be).  For every drink drunk, and every sticky smoked, we are closer than ever to our Holy Protozoa.  Perhaps even you will have a vision that will contribute to our growing new religion.  DOWN WITH PEOPLE – UP WITH AMOEBA!

“Need a Toe?” by Brother Amoeba

Need a toe? We can get you one by 3 o’clock, with nail polish!

HAPPY ST. SOBCHAK’S DAY!!!

Hopefully you took the day off of work (this is a religious holiday, after all) so you can chuck your dirty undies out of a car window and drink copious amounts of alcohol! Today we celebrate our Vietnam buddies and the sacrifices they made, and we’ll need to go roll a few games of bowling! It’s a wonderful holiday that reminds us that life has gutters and spares, that everything does have something to do with Vietnam, and that dirty undies are just as fun to throw out of car windows as anything else can be, even if they are just the ringer!

Praise be to Mother Protozoan for allowing the Cohen Brothers to create our favorite saint!

—Brother Amoeba

Happy St. Sobchak’s Eve!

Greetings Dimminicans! I hope everyone is enjoying your St. Sobchak’s Eve. Remember that tonight we must all “give a shit about the rules” and scream, “Over the line!” at everyone who needs to hear it. Who has been over the line in your life today?

And, hopefully, you’ve been saving up your dirty undies, particularly the whites, for tomorrow’s St. Sobchak’s Day celebration! We’ll be flinging our laundry out of moving vehicles and drinking beer until we see our Vietnam buddies “face down in the muck!” Feel free to invite all your heathen friends to join in the celebrations, as well. We’re not an exclusionary religion. We feel we can party with just about anyone!

Praise the Mother Protozoan! And happy St. Sobchak’s, everyone!

—Richard Y.