PEACE Finally Comes to the Church of DIM!

It is with great joy that I announce that a truce has been brokered in the historic war between Brothers Yates and Erdahl! Here’s how it happened:

Despite my objections, Sister Mariah, from the DIM Poughkeepsie branch, was again called upon to quell the dispute, even though she totally ripped us off and assaulted us last time. She first asked that the Brothers rid their systems of any horrible epithets, at which point Brother Erdahl called Brother Yates a “blunderbuss,” a “spoony,” an “unlicked cub,” and a “heathen philosopher,” the latter being a devastating comment on the condition of one’s pants. In response, Brother Yates called Brother Erdahl a “fop-doodle,” a “duke of limbs,” an “afternoon farmer,” and a “gentleman of four outs.” Ouch.

With this out of their system, they pulled one final prank: Brother Erdahl placed a “Trump 2020” sticker on Brother Yates’ car, and Brother Yates planted an Anthrax bomb in Brother Erdahl’s home (the band, not the poison). Some say Brother Yates’ response was not proportional.

Anyway, Sister Mariah had one last trick up her sleeve (likely where she hid my turkey sub), and got Brothers Yates and Erdahl to agree to a temporary truce ONLY during the Church of Dim’s holiday season. Unbeknownst to them, because they are too special to come to the weekly meetings, the CoD now has 365 holidays, one for each day of the year, so that our religion’s followers never ever have to go to work. Fyi: the rare February 29th is also a holiday when we reflect on how many awesome holidays we have.

So there you have it, peace at the DIM. Unfortunately, Sister Mariah ended up stealing Brother Erdahl’s surgery painkillers, Brother Yates’ Cap’n Crunch secret decoder ring, and the last 5 pieces of my Crab Rangoon… that I was SAVING! Then she punched each one of us in the back of the head. Still, we’re calling this one a win.

Peace IN, my Brothers and Sisters!

—Brother O’Brien

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