“CoD Newsflash” by Brother O’Brien

CoD Newsflash:

After very little thought and 2 bottles of MadDog 20/20 Kiwi-Lime, the Church of DIM is exploring the possibility of incorporating cannibalism into our faith. We are now seeking volunteers for our first potluck. Come as you are.

(No smokers or weirdos.)  Only you can make this a CoD tradition!

—Brother O’Brien

“DIM Response” by Brother O’Brien & Brother Amoeba

Having discovered this nasty piece of propaganda circulating on the internet, we feel it is our duty to warn you all of how dangerous we are!

From: Kirkett Miller, PhD

To: the public at large

Re: insidious cult (DIM)

I am writing this open letter to the public as a warning.  My esteemed colleagues and I have intentionally kept silent about a particular pseudo-religion sweeping the web, “The Church of Dim” (CoD), as we certainly did not want to give this whackjob movement any extra legitimacy with the use of our respected names.

To begin, any “religion” which advocates a “devolution” in which humans will begin to regress through embraced ignorance and stupidity is dangerous, unethical, and should be dismissed entirely.  Despite this reckless belief system, however, the CoD has continued to enjoy shockingly large numbers of mouth-breathing recruits who seek some sort of truth through the worship of amoebas and other single-cellular life.

I pose this question: how can we possibly take seriously a “faith” that creates flyers and bumper stickers which say, “Believe in CoD,” “Cod=Peace” – and “Genus Chrystum is the Son of CoD” ?  These hunchback Neanderthal creators actually partnered with Skippers fish restaurant to launch a “Got CoD?” promotion which offered a two-piece cod basket that “tastes saviory.”  The level these scam-artists will lower themselves to apparently knows no restriction of depth.

And yes, to be honest, there is also a personal motivation for me: I was infuriated when several different species of bacteria were shipped to my home with a note which read, “CoD bless you – let these tiny worms into your heart.”  Only now is my family recovering from the trauma of being quarantined for over three months.

Additionally, we were disappointed to see that among the celebrities that the CoD boasts, Kim Kardashian and the little fat kid from Goonies have now joined their Ludacris ranks.  No, that isn’t a type-o, the rapper Ludacris is actually the CoD celebrity recruiter.  And now we hear of CoD’s prediction of Armageddon, (what they’re promoting as “Germageddon (bbq after).”  This madness must end.

At the end of the day (which is NOT “Walter Sobchek Day,” despite what you may have heard), I believe most of you are reasonable enough to avoid this laughable, yet dangerous, cult and their disgusting message.  But please, for those of you who have friends or family who might be susceptible to such cancerous hoopla, I implore you to guide them away from the sickening atrocity of CoD before it is too late.

Sincerely,

Dr. K. Miller

“The End!!!” by Mr. Smog Monster

[This article is being cross-posted on both this blog and The Primitive Entertainment Workshop, as it pertains to the The Two Ricks Podcast, but was originally posted as the closing chapter of the third “era” of the P.E.W. It’s an angry bit, I supposed, but it affects all of us, human and microscopic organism alike.]

The curtain closes on Era 3 of the Primitive Entertainment Workshop. As the helicopters fly, bombs drop, explosions bloom sending dirt and body parts flying in all directions, and “The End” by The Doors drifts menacingly through the atmosphere, we say “Later Skater” to the third era of the P.E.W.

We’ve had some good times and we’ve had some seriously shitty times in this slice of history, but I can’t complain…

Actually, I can complain, and I’m going to! Because of personal politics, back-biting, and a couple of tragic cases of B.D.S., my co-worker and I have become the targets of a misguided attack. We were informed from “ON-HIGH” that the humorous podcast (you know the one) that we’ve produced during the downtime at our job was a gross misuse of time and equipment. After careful reflection (and some serious imaginary discussion with Mother Amoeba) I’ve come to this conclusion: FUCK THEM!

The idea that producing a creative work, which is humorous as well as thought provoking, is in any sense an inappropriate activity AT A UNIVERSITY is so full of shit that it could fertilize the Sahara desert for decades.

Our work is EXACTLY the type of thing that should come out of a university, and the fact is that we are being reprimanded when we are breaking NO RULES (as they are clearly outlined in WAC 292-110-010, the statutes that regulate what state employees can and can’t do on the job—specifically the “de minimis use” sections,) which just proves that we have come under attack for petty, personal reasons having to do with some ancient squabble that I know nothing about. Makes me fucking sick.

And, unless I’m mistaken, it violates my rights to free speech and freedom to believe whatever the fuck I want (and yes, that is granted in the Constitution, although who knows for how much longer that will be true.) If my wife and my boss wouldn’t hate me for standing up for my rights, probably losing my job, possibly costing several other people theirs, and dropping us even further into debt with the legal and court fees, I’d sue the shit out of ‘um.

Moral of the story: Academics sucks. It’s not about gathering and sharing knowledge or some noble (but nebulous) quest for “TRUTH;” it’s all about personal politics, self-aggrandizement, and getting paid. Fuck academics. And have a nice day!

—Mr. Smog Monster

P.S.: Let’s hope The Fourth Era is more god-damned fun! Party on…

Oh mighty Protozoa…

Today I pray to thee that Paula Deen’s new show be named “Home-cookin’ in Harlem,” a live cooking show on the street which has a studio audience of 300 African-Americans who just heard her wish to have a dinner party, and…  “Well, what I would really like is a bunch of little niggers to wear long-sleeved white shirts, black shorts and black bow-ties, you know, in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around. That would be a true Southern wedding. But we can’t do that because the media would be on me about that.”

Home-Cookin’ in Harlem – coming to pay-per-view soon…

More wisdom from Mother Protozoa

“The pen is mightier than the sword… unless you’re in a sword fight. Then you’re screwed, mate.” ~Mother P

“A rolling stone gathers no moss… just liver spots and a coke addiction.” ~Mother P

“Two wrongs don’t make a right…but 4 lefts will put you back where you were.” ~Mother P

“When the going gets tough… it’s usually better to just quit and start a drinking habit.” ~Mother P

“No man is an island… but Raymond Burr came pretty damn close.” ~Mother P

“People in glass houses… probably spend a butt-load on curtains.” ~Mother P

“Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst… because the worst will always happen. ALWAYS.” ~Mother P

“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer… because have you seen how hot your enemies are?” ~Mother P

“God helps those who help themselves… but since God doesn’t exist, you may wanna take care of that thing yourself.” ~Mother P

More Trouble from the Eastboro Baptistas!

To all Dimericans:

As you know, the Church of Dim and The Two Ricks podcast have been targeted by the most heinous, spiteful, dangerous, volatile, and frightening group of haters: Christians.  But not just any Christians, we are being harassed by the infamous Eastboro Baptist Church (picture below).

They hate us for our beliefs; they hate us for our unwavering faith; and they hate us because we only have 8% tithing and a kick-ass goddess, Mother Protozoa.  Sure she is just a microscopic, worm-like parasite, but she has a very sweet disposition.  She is also never judgmental and allows her followers to engage in unlimited debauchery.

We need your support now more than ever, so join us today.

Praise be the Amoeba.

The Church of Dim

COD1 (1)

Party Like a Parasite!

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Hello Fellow Dimoebians!
So many of you have asked the restrictions The New Church of Dim puts on partying.  The answer to that would, of course, be… none.  In fact, partying is not only encouraged, but required under the as-of-now-unwritten 88 Commandments (praise be).  For every drink drunk, and every sticky smoked, we are closer than ever to our Holy Protozoa.  Perhaps even you will have a vision that will contribute to our growing new religion.  DOWN WITH PEOPLE – UP WITH AMOEBA!