MAJOR HOLIDAY “Death Day” (June 17th) – There are dichotomies within the Church of DIM, and death is one of them. While human death would seem natural and actually further the goals of the CoD, we are actually quite attached to our own lives and respect that others feel the same. And since death is the ultimate fear, today we celebrate by spitting in the face of Death (believe me, he deserves it). Today you can and should literally whistle past the graveyard, dress in deathly attire, however you interpret that, and laugh at the thought of your own mortality. What convinces you that you will die someday? Just because everyone else in history has? Don’t be such a sucker – immortality is easy (at level 9 of the Church of DIM. Level-up = $499 + tip). You may or may not choose to engage in the annual “Blood Dance with the Devil” around a campfire. Per tradition, disco music, partial nudity, overcooked meats, and blood-curdling screams will accompany the dance. Tradition also holds that the celebration shall not end until a passerby is so horrified by the spectacle that they or their children are brought to tears. The harder you party, the sadder you make Death. Cookies and juice to follow.