“New DIM Holidays” by Brother O’Brien

“Reflection of the DIM Day” (June 1st) – This day shall be presented as the day in which Dimmers gather their families with The Book of DIM (publishing date TBD) and reflect on the tribulations and trials we have gone through in our religion’s history. This is what we tell outsiders, of course. In ACTUALITY, however, this is the day we hit the water park and drink fancy cocktails which have at least 3 of the following: -A tiny umbrella, -Pineapple wedge, -Multiple Maraschino cherries, -A tiny paper flag denoting the country of the drink’s origin, -Crazy straw (minimum: 3 loops or crazier), -A whole coconut, -A swizzle stick with extra swizzle, -A Crucifix (for humor and blasphemy). Enjoy, Dimmers, for tomorrow we must go back to work! Or do we? Let’s check out tomorrow’s holiday…

“Actually Day” (June 2nd) – On this day, we shall be wholly contrarian for contrarian’s sake. All responses to any comments made by others shall start with “Actually…” spoken in a condescending and increasingly lengthy tone. For example, Person A: “It’s really hot out there.” Dimmer: “Accctually, it really isn’t. A Spiny Desert Lizard would find this temperature a bit chilly, to say the least. Morrrreover, ‘out there’ is 99.9999999% outer space, wherein the temperature is well below freezing. So you might want to think about these kinds of nonsense statements before you make them.”

“Gay Day” (June 3rd) – It should go without saying that gays and lesbians are our closest allies at the CoD – anyone who does not physically reproduce humans is a hero in our book (publishing date TBD).

“Retro-Gross Day” (June 4th) – On this day you are on a mission to track down an edible childhood favorite – a candy, a food, a drink, and then savor the exciting moment you try it again for the first time in decades… right before you spit it out in disgust. Were those little candy dots on strips of paper really that tasty, or are they nothing but flavorless sugar beads that invariably rips off a bit of paper with it, making it even more repulsive? (For advanced Dimmers, Level 8 or higher, Retro-Gross Day can also be applied to people, wherein you look up your crush in the high school yearbook and realize that they were a disgusting mess of hairspray and facial expressions).

“Media Day” (June 5th) – On this day every Dimmer shall call local and national print, radio, internet, and television news outlets and demand to know why The Church of DIM is purposely being ignored by the news media and demand equal airtime as Christianity. If this doesn’t work, remind them that DIM’s “Kick a Human Day” celebration is not too far away.
“Kick a Human Day” (June 6th) – This is exactly what it sounds like, but keep a few things in mind: 1) It is not advisable to kick someone you live with because they know where you sleep, 2) People tend to kick back, and 3) Jail. But with regard to this last caution, it should be noted that as a CoD follower, you have the right to follow the tenets of your religion; if anyone responds negatively to being kicked, simply scream at them, “OPPRESSOR! OPPRESSOR!”

“Dirty Little Secret Day” (June 7th) – (To be honest, this is less a holiday and more of a recruitment day, so please indulge in triple-layer chocolate cake and a bad comedy at 9:00 p.m. as a celebration). On this day you shall remind everyone you meet, in the most serious tone, that you know that secret they’re hiding – yeah, that one. Most will try to laugh it off, but in the depths of their minds, there is a small bit of panic that grows, despite the brain’s protest that it is not true. Use that panic to convince them that the only way to bury that secret forever is to join the CoD. Remind them that initiation is absolutely free, right after a $249.00 initiation fee.

“Googly-Eye Day” (June 8th) – Yes, I know this sounds like a throwaway holiday,
maybe even one you want to skip so you can actually go to WORK, but
take our word for it, this day is far more entertaining than it
sounds. On this day Dimmers shall place googly-eyes on EVERYTHING – A
book? Googly-eyes. A stop sign? Googly-eyes. A baby? Hell yeah,
googly-eyes! Everything is better with googly-eyes and you will
experience it for yourself. Remember to place your googly-eyes orders
online – due to the large numbers of Dimmers, local craft stores will
run out. From tiny googlies to humongous googlies, go paint the town

MAJOR HOLIDAY: “Snake and Bunny Day” (June 9th) – It’s hard to put this day into
simple terms: it is about the celebration of life (other than human,
obviously); it is about the unexpected; and it is obviously about
Snake and Bunny. As foretold in the Book of DIM (publishing date
TBD), it is actually Bunny that would emerge as the embodiment of
unholy evil and Snake that would be the bringer of kindness, and often
friendly advice and snacks. In fact, it is said that the venomous
bite of Snake will bring you 42 years good luck and that the soft,
warm cuddle of Bunny will result in gastrointestinal distress for 42
hours, followed by death. On this day, celebrate your enemies and
curse your loved ones in the morning, then do the opposite when you
realize that your loved ones might have been Snakes all along! There
is much more to this wonderful holiday, including songs, traditional
foods, and a Snake sculpture that can only be obtained through the
official Church of Dim for a nominal price of $109 (note: Snake
sculpture may or may not be just an old piece of garden hose with
googly eyes). To learn more about this holiday, simply join the
Church of DIM and reach “Level 4”! Happy Snake and Bunny Day!

Traditional Snake and Bunny song:

“Snake and Bun-ny!
Snake and Bun-ny!
One took my heart
and the other took my mon-ey!

Snake and Bun-ny,
forever you remain,
as the source of my joy,
the other the source of my pain!

While the carrots roast
and the mice do boil,
I think of goodness
and I think of toil.

Snake slithers in at the stroke of ten,
and entertains boys and girls while he sheds his skin!
The cute bunny hops in through the mail slot,
and plays with you, but now rabies you’ve got!

Get out the Gershrongs and taffle the Phlarp,
because Snake and Bunny arrive at 10 p.m. sharp!
Who will it be? Everyone must choose their horse,
but if you choose Bunny he’ll kill you, of course!

So let down the Knidle and blow the Krintz,
snake and Bunny Day is upon us, YAY Snake the Prince!

—Brother O’Brien