“The Re-Rebirth of DIM” by Brother O’Brien

The Re-Rebirth of DIM (thunder crashes and a baby cries)

Today, the 28th of April, 2016, if you follow the filthy, heathen calendar, is a day that will live in infirmary, as we had a meeting of the minds: Brother Yates, Brother O’Brien, and Sister Eveland – Sister Eveland contends that she is “DIMnostic” but we are sure she will be on board after the Electro-Slap Treatments™. We proudly announce the resurrection of The Church of DIM (cat hissing and blood-curdling scream), which worships single-celled organisms (praise be Mother Amoeba) and believes that humans should begin its devolution and eventually crawl back into the swamps of darkness so that other creatures may take over the world. Essentially, we had our chance, people, and we royally screwed it up, so let’s see how sea otters and ferrets can run it for a while.

But listen, we know it will take some convincing to convert you, so you should know that we have created over 50 religious DIM holidays (seriously) on our way to all 365 days on the filthy, heathen calendar, meaning that you can take every single day off due to your religion. In addition, our tithing rate is only 9%, compared to the ridiculous and exploitive 10% ‘other’ religions demand. There is far more of the Word of DIM that we wish to share with you, brethren, so stay tuned for further updates from your Church of DIM overlords (aka “management team”).

—Brother O’Brien