“The Afterlife” by Brother Amoeba

The New Church of Dim does not believe in a “soul” for humans (except, perhaps, in a metaphorical sense, in which case “selling your soul” would mean “doing something REALLY shitty.”) The New C.o.D. does, however, believe in a literal, physical afterlife—for which we are now selling tickets!

Extremely fancy “box seats” for the event are still available. Credit and debit cards accepted. No limit on the number of tickets that you can buy at a time. Make sure to get enough for your whole family! Don’t want Grandma Mabel or Uncle Owen sitting outside The Afterlife when the party gets started!

The END is coming soon, and what happens AFTER the end is going to be quite a show. Don’t miss it! Buy those tickets TODAY (before it’s too late!)

—Brother Amoeba

P.S. – No refunds.

“The End!!!” by Mr. Smog Monster

[This article is being cross-posted on both this blog and The Primitive Entertainment Workshop, as it pertains to the The Two Ricks Podcast, but was originally posted as the closing chapter of the third “era” of the P.E.W. It’s an angry bit, I supposed, but it affects all of us, human and microscopic organism alike.]

The curtain closes on Era 3 of the Primitive Entertainment Workshop. As the helicopters fly, bombs drop, explosions bloom sending dirt and body parts flying in all directions, and “The End” by The Doors drifts menacingly through the atmosphere, we say “Later Skater” to the third era of the P.E.W.

We’ve had some good times and we’ve had some seriously shitty times in this slice of history, but I can’t complain…

Actually, I can complain, and I’m going to! Because of personal politics, back-biting, and a couple of tragic cases of B.D.S., my co-worker and I have become the targets of a misguided attack. We were informed from “ON-HIGH” that the humorous podcast (you know the one) that we’ve produced during the downtime at our job was a gross misuse of time and equipment. After careful reflection (and some serious imaginary discussion with Mother Amoeba) I’ve come to this conclusion: FUCK THEM!

The idea that producing a creative work, which is humorous as well as thought provoking, is in any sense an inappropriate activity AT A UNIVERSITY is so full of shit that it could fertilize the Sahara desert for decades.

Our work is EXACTLY the type of thing that should come out of a university, and the fact is that we are being reprimanded when we are breaking NO RULES (as they are clearly outlined in WAC 292-110-010, the statutes that regulate what state employees can and can’t do on the job—specifically the “de minimis use” sections,) which just proves that we have come under attack for petty, personal reasons having to do with some ancient squabble that I know nothing about. Makes me fucking sick.

And, unless I’m mistaken, it violates my rights to free speech and freedom to believe whatever the fuck I want (and yes, that is granted in the Constitution, although who knows for how much longer that will be true.) If my wife and my boss wouldn’t hate me for standing up for my rights, probably losing my job, possibly costing several other people theirs, and dropping us even further into debt with the legal and court fees, I’d sue the shit out of ‘um.

Moral of the story: Academics sucks. It’s not about gathering and sharing knowledge or some noble (but nebulous) quest for “TRUTH;” it’s all about personal politics, self-aggrandizement, and getting paid. Fuck academics. And have a nice day!

—Mr. Smog Monster

P.S.: Let’s hope The Fourth Era is more god-damned fun! Party on…

Oh mighty Protozoa…

Today I pray to thee that Paula Deen’s new show be named “Home-cookin’ in Harlem,” a live cooking show on the street which has a studio audience of 300 African-Americans who just heard her wish to have a dinner party, and…  “Well, what I would really like is a bunch of little niggers to wear long-sleeved white shirts, black shorts and black bow-ties, you know, in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around. That would be a true Southern wedding. But we can’t do that because the media would be on me about that.”

Home-Cookin’ in Harlem – coming to pay-per-view soon…

More wisdom from Mother Protozoa

“The pen is mightier than the sword… unless you’re in a sword fight. Then you’re screwed, mate.” ~Mother P

“A rolling stone gathers no moss… just liver spots and a coke addiction.” ~Mother P

“Two wrongs don’t make a right…but 4 lefts will put you back where you were.” ~Mother P

“When the going gets tough… it’s usually better to just quit and start a drinking habit.” ~Mother P

“No man is an island… but Raymond Burr came pretty damn close.” ~Mother P

“People in glass houses… probably spend a butt-load on curtains.” ~Mother P

“Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst… because the worst will always happen. ALWAYS.” ~Mother P

“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer… because have you seen how hot your enemies are?” ~Mother P

“God helps those who help themselves… but since God doesn’t exist, you may wanna take care of that thing yourself.” ~Mother P

More Trouble from the Eastboro Baptistas!

To all Dimericans:

As you know, the Church of Dim and The Two Ricks podcast have been targeted by the most heinous, spiteful, dangerous, volatile, and frightening group of haters: Christians.  But not just any Christians, we are being harassed by the infamous Eastboro Baptist Church (picture below).

They hate us for our beliefs; they hate us for our unwavering faith; and they hate us because we only have 8% tithing and a kick-ass goddess, Mother Protozoa.  Sure she is just a microscopic, worm-like parasite, but she has a very sweet disposition.  She is also never judgmental and allows her followers to engage in unlimited debauchery.

We need your support now more than ever, so join us today.

Praise be the Amoeba.

The Church of Dim

COD1 (1)

Party Like a Parasite!

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Hello Fellow Dimoebians!
So many of you have asked the restrictions The New Church of Dim puts on partying.  The answer to that would, of course, be… none.  In fact, partying is not only encouraged, but required under the as-of-now-unwritten 88 Commandments (praise be).  For every drink drunk, and every sticky smoked, we are closer than ever to our Holy Protozoa.  Perhaps even you will have a vision that will contribute to our growing new religion.  DOWN WITH PEOPLE – UP WITH AMOEBA!

Cleansed, yo

Prayed to the Holy Amoeba today – totally forgave every sin I’ve ever committed.  That’s a pretty sweet deal – no guilt, no regrets, just do whatever you want and then ask for forgiveness.  No wonder that Christianity nonsense took off so quickly.

Brb – off to do something morally questionable…

Impossible Questions

Thought: If we, at the Church of Dim, believe that humans are essentially cock-blocking evolution at this point, does that make us self-loathing?  And does that, in turn, make us part Jewish?

Other unanswerable questions come to mind: Why is four? How much purple would it take to reach the moon?  What is the difference between a cat?

It occurs to me that this is exactly why we have created our new religion in the first place: only an inferior species like human beings would waste time wondering if water floats – other animals are out there, having fun, doin’ it, running, jumping, doin’ it; no bills, no cell phones, no wars over religion, no congress (except for doin’ it).

Thank you, Mother Protozoa, leader of single-celled organisms, show us the way.

Our Belief System

As we continue to welcome new members of The Church of Dim,  so reflects the growth and evolution of our Beliefs.

1) Our God is the genus, Protozoa (praise be).  Whether it is many Gods or one God in many forms, is simply “The Eternal Question.”

2) We believe human beings (homo exploitus) to be inferior to all other life in the universe, due to our selfish, arrogant, and destructive nature.

3) Every Tuesday is ‘Taco Tuesday.’

4) Every week of the year shall have an official and recognized holiday, giving our followers many days off to worship amoebas and shit.

5) Tithing is only 8%, a significant discount from other religions of false gods.  Until we find away to exploit this influx of cash, however, followers are encouraged to spend 8% of their earnings on wildly inappropriate goods and services.  Using CoD tithing for practical purposes is considered a sin against Mother Protozoa.

6) We believe in the “Final Cleansing,” wherein humans will eventually devolve to the point that other species start leading the food chain. Such as, but not limited to, giant razor hawks, flame-throwing bears, flying rabid rhesus monkeys, and super-intelligent squirrels with slightly ill-mannered dispositions.

7) When you die and Mother Protozoa starts consuming you, it is you who becomes part of the Great Mother.  That’s right, badasses, YOU become God.  That is truly the dope shit.  Verily.

8) The Church of Dim’s heaven has 888 levels – because no one wants to be in a place of eternal happiness if you’re sitting next to Aunt Bertha the whole fucking time, amiright?

These beliefs, known as the “Enlightened Eight,” will be forever inscribed in our hearts… until we make inevitable changes to them. Then we’ll just come up with some other awesome name for them.

Go now, children of Dim, and gather others to our new faith. You are on the ground floor of something special.

Mother Protozoa be with ye.