“DIM Response” by Brother O’Brien & Brother Amoeba

Having discovered this nasty piece of propaganda circulating on the internet, we feel it is our duty to warn you all of how dangerous we are!

From: Kirkett Miller, PhD

To: the public at large

Re: insidious cult (DIM)

I am writing this open letter to the public as a warning.  My esteemed colleagues and I have intentionally kept silent about a particular pseudo-religion sweeping the web, “The Church of Dim” (CoD), as we certainly did not want to give this whackjob movement any extra legitimacy with the use of our respected names.

To begin, any “religion” which advocates a “devolution” in which humans will begin to regress through embraced ignorance and stupidity is dangerous, unethical, and should be dismissed entirely.  Despite this reckless belief system, however, the CoD has continued to enjoy shockingly large numbers of mouth-breathing recruits who seek some sort of truth through the worship of amoebas and other single-cellular life.

I pose this question: how can we possibly take seriously a “faith” that creates flyers and bumper stickers which say, “Believe in CoD,” “Cod=Peace” – and “Genus Chrystum is the Son of CoD” ?  These hunchback Neanderthal creators actually partnered with Skippers fish restaurant to launch a “Got CoD?” promotion which offered a two-piece cod basket that “tastes saviory.”  The level these scam-artists will lower themselves to apparently knows no restriction of depth.

And yes, to be honest, there is also a personal motivation for me: I was infuriated when several different species of bacteria were shipped to my home with a note which read, “CoD bless you – let these tiny worms into your heart.”  Only now is my family recovering from the trauma of being quarantined for over three months.

Additionally, we were disappointed to see that among the celebrities that the CoD boasts, Kim Kardashian and the little fat kid from Goonies have now joined their Ludacris ranks.  No, that isn’t a type-o, the rapper Ludacris is actually the CoD celebrity recruiter.  And now we hear of CoD’s prediction of Armageddon, (what they’re promoting as “Germageddon (bbq after).”  This madness must end.

At the end of the day (which is NOT “Walter Sobchek Day,” despite what you may have heard), I believe most of you are reasonable enough to avoid this laughable, yet dangerous, cult and their disgusting message.  But please, for those of you who have friends or family who might be susceptible to such cancerous hoopla, I implore you to guide them away from the sickening atrocity of CoD before it is too late.

Sincerely,

Dr. K. Miller

Oh mighty Protozoa…

Today I pray to thee that Paula Deen’s new show be named “Home-cookin’ in Harlem,” a live cooking show on the street which has a studio audience of 300 African-Americans who just heard her wish to have a dinner party, and…  “Well, what I would really like is a bunch of little niggers to wear long-sleeved white shirts, black shorts and black bow-ties, you know, in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around. That would be a true Southern wedding. But we can’t do that because the media would be on me about that.”

Home-Cookin’ in Harlem – coming to pay-per-view soon…

Episode 7

Episode 7.

Here it is, the episode you’ve all been waiting for! It contains many content items and humorous things (I’m pretty sure. We were REALLY drunk when we recorded this, so neither of us actually remembers what we said, but I’m sure it’s very funny!)

Born to Boogie

—Richard Y.

More wisdom from Mother Protozoa

“The pen is mightier than the sword… unless you’re in a sword fight. Then you’re screwed, mate.” ~Mother P

“A rolling stone gathers no moss… just liver spots and a coke addiction.” ~Mother P

“Two wrongs don’t make a right…but 4 lefts will put you back where you were.” ~Mother P

“When the going gets tough… it’s usually better to just quit and start a drinking habit.” ~Mother P

“No man is an island… but Raymond Burr came pretty damn close.” ~Mother P

“People in glass houses… probably spend a butt-load on curtains.” ~Mother P

“Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst… because the worst will always happen. ALWAYS.” ~Mother P

“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer… because have you seen how hot your enemies are?” ~Mother P

“God helps those who help themselves… but since God doesn’t exist, you may wanna take care of that thing yourself.” ~Mother P

More Trouble from the Eastboro Baptistas!

To all Dimericans:

As you know, the Church of Dim and The Two Ricks podcast have been targeted by the most heinous, spiteful, dangerous, volatile, and frightening group of haters: Christians.  But not just any Christians, we are being harassed by the infamous Eastboro Baptist Church (picture below).

They hate us for our beliefs; they hate us for our unwavering faith; and they hate us because we only have 8% tithing and a kick-ass goddess, Mother Protozoa.  Sure she is just a microscopic, worm-like parasite, but she has a very sweet disposition.  She is also never judgmental and allows her followers to engage in unlimited debauchery.

We need your support now more than ever, so join us today.

Praise be the Amoeba.

The Church of Dim

COD1 (1)

Party Like a Parasite!

Untitled

 

Hello Fellow Dimoebians!
So many of you have asked the restrictions The New Church of Dim puts on partying.  The answer to that would, of course, be… none.  In fact, partying is not only encouraged, but required under the as-of-now-unwritten 88 Commandments (praise be).  For every drink drunk, and every sticky smoked, we are closer than ever to our Holy Protozoa.  Perhaps even you will have a vision that will contribute to our growing new religion.  DOWN WITH PEOPLE – UP WITH AMOEBA!

Cleansed, yo

Prayed to the Holy Amoeba today – totally forgave every sin I’ve ever committed.  That’s a pretty sweet deal – no guilt, no regrets, just do whatever you want and then ask for forgiveness.  No wonder that Christianity nonsense took off so quickly.

Brb – off to do something morally questionable…

Impossible Questions

Thought: If we, at the Church of Dim, believe that humans are essentially cock-blocking evolution at this point, does that make us self-loathing?  And does that, in turn, make us part Jewish?

Other unanswerable questions come to mind: Why is four? How much purple would it take to reach the moon?  What is the difference between a cat?

It occurs to me that this is exactly why we have created our new religion in the first place: only an inferior species like human beings would waste time wondering if water floats – other animals are out there, having fun, doin’ it, running, jumping, doin’ it; no bills, no cell phones, no wars over religion, no congress (except for doin’ it).

Thank you, Mother Protozoa, leader of single-celled organisms, show us the way.

Our Belief System

As we continue to welcome new members of The Church of Dim,  so reflects the growth and evolution of our Beliefs.

1) Our God is the genus, Protozoa (praise be).  Whether it is many Gods or one God in many forms, is simply “The Eternal Question.”

2) We believe human beings (homo exploitus) to be inferior to all other life in the universe, due to our selfish, arrogant, and destructive nature.

3) Every Tuesday is ‘Taco Tuesday.’

4) Every week of the year shall have an official and recognized holiday, giving our followers many days off to worship amoebas and shit.

5) Tithing is only 8%, a significant discount from other religions of false gods.  Until we find away to exploit this influx of cash, however, followers are encouraged to spend 8% of their earnings on wildly inappropriate goods and services.  Using CoD tithing for practical purposes is considered a sin against Mother Protozoa.

6) We believe in the “Final Cleansing,” wherein humans will eventually devolve to the point that other species start leading the food chain. Such as, but not limited to, giant razor hawks, flame-throwing bears, flying rabid rhesus monkeys, and super-intelligent squirrels with slightly ill-mannered dispositions.

7) When you die and Mother Protozoa starts consuming you, it is you who becomes part of the Great Mother.  That’s right, badasses, YOU become God.  That is truly the dope shit.  Verily.

8) The Church of Dim’s heaven has 888 levels – because no one wants to be in a place of eternal happiness if you’re sitting next to Aunt Bertha the whole fucking time, amiright?

These beliefs, known as the “Enlightened Eight,” will be forever inscribed in our hearts… until we make inevitable changes to them. Then we’ll just come up with some other awesome name for them.

Go now, children of Dim, and gather others to our new faith. You are on the ground floor of something special.

Mother Protozoa be with ye.

The Announcement you’ve been waiting for – bless us, every one!

Greetings, Fellow Dimmers,

It is a great day for The New Church of Dim and its members.  We have waited many weeks for a vision to enlighten us as to our (and your) one, true God.

The time has come, brothers and sisters – our God has been revealed.  And unlike other religions which would have you believe that simply because we are human, that the savior must be in the same image, we are very proud to share this Earth-shattering news:

Almighty God is the Genus, Protozoan.  Be humbled in Her presence, followers, for Mother Protozoa is all around us.  She has been there with us since the beginning – at the origin of all species.  Let Mother Protozoa’s love enter you and touch your heart.

But not literally, dear ones, because She can also give you a nasty bacterial infection.

Bow to Her power.

Spread the news on this joyous day.

The Church of Dim.