Ever wonder if The Church of Dim believes in Heaven? Listen to this episode and you can find out (and you can discover a sure-fire method to getting a good room in a very comfortable section of Heaven!)
Today I pray to thee that Paula Deen’s new show be named “Home-cookin’ in Harlem,” a live cooking show on the street which has a studio audience of 300 African-Americans who just heard her wish to have a dinner party, and… “Well, what I would really like is a bunch of little niggers to wear long-sleeved white shirts, black shorts and black bow-ties, you know, in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around. That would be a true Southern wedding. But we can’t do that because the media would be on me about that.”
Home-Cookin’ in Harlem – coming to pay-per-view soon…
We have just been informed that an “alternative news source,” The Henpeck Observer, has posted false claims that The New Church of Dim is under federal investigation for several legal violations. This is, of course, not only slanderous, but patently ridiculous. Fear not,
Dimmers, we have not gone to the dark side of the Petri-dish. Mr. Centipede, and his nasty little publication, are full of human bologna! Keep the Protozoan Faith!
Here it is, the episode you’ve all been waiting for! It contains many content items and humorous things (I’m pretty sure. We were REALLY drunk when we recorded this, so neither of us actually remembers what we said, but I’m sure it’s very funny!)
“The pen is mightier than the sword… unless you’re in a sword fight. Then you’re screwed, mate.” ~Mother P
“A rolling stone gathers no moss… just liver spots and a coke addiction.” ~Mother P
“Two wrongs don’t make a right…but 4 lefts will put you back where you were.” ~Mother P
“When the going gets tough… it’s usually better to just quit and start a drinking habit.” ~Mother P
“No man is an island… but Raymond Burr came pretty damn close.” ~Mother P
“People in glass houses… probably spend a butt-load on curtains.” ~Mother P
“Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst… because the worst will always happen. ALWAYS.” ~Mother P
“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer… because have you seen how hot your enemies are?” ~Mother P
“God helps those who help themselves… but since God doesn’t exist, you may wanna take care of that thing yourself.” ~Mother P
Yes, Dimminites, The Two Ricks are back and spewing forth the truth and other bacterial wisdom! Clicketh the linketh above and bask in Protozoan Glow!
That’s right, everyone, today is the day to do what you love and to do it to excess, and in public if at all possible. Drink too much, eat too much, %#$& too much, and don’t you fuckin’ feel bad about it! Celebrate those urges people. The Mother Protozoa gave them to you for a reason!
To all Dimericans:
As you know, the Church of Dim and The Two Ricks podcast have been targeted by the most heinous, spiteful, dangerous, volatile, and frightening group of haters: Christians. But not just any Christians, we are being harassed by the infamous Eastboro Baptist Church (picture below).
They hate us for our beliefs; they hate us for our unwavering faith; and they hate us because we only have 8% tithing and a kick-ass goddess, Mother Protozoa. Sure she is just a microscopic, worm-like parasite, but she has a very sweet disposition. She is also never judgmental and allows her followers to engage in unlimited debauchery.
We need your support now more than ever, so join us today.
Praise be the Amoeba.
The Church of Dim
The early bird…is as annoying as fuck.
[This aphorism clearly needed an update. We feel that this version speaks more to the current zeitgeist.]