“Trump ATTACKS The Church of DIM!”

trump attacks church of dim
Sorry man, that will probably make the NYT. I really hope this doesn’t turn into a war of words, but I fear that it will…

—Brother O’Brien


The Church of DIM Predicted It!!!

As you well know, the Church of DIM is your one-stop-shoppe for P&P: Prophecies and Prophylactics; therefore, we take great pride in pointing out that only a week ago we at the Church of DIM predicted that our current “president” would wage battle, due to his pathetic approval rating and embarrassing eyebrows (it is historically proven that starting a new, awesome war is the easiest way to get the public behind you). We began the post by saying that we could “smell war coming,” and lo and behold, it has happened in Syria. And while the CoD does not really condone war (it usually preempts regular t.v. programming), we are encouraged by this latest step toward self-destruction.

But enough about amazingly-accurate war prophecies; our important prediction is that you will buy Church of DIM-brand prophylactics to curb the growth of the human race! Our prophylactics are the only condoms that protect you against fire, as they are made of 46% asbestos! Grown in the Andes Mountains, our prophylactics are nearly 11% organic, and although they are terrible at preventing pregnancy or STDs (pretty much the same thing), our huge selling point is the price: only $129.99 per giant family pack (1)! Buy some today!

(FDA Warning: Church of DIM prophylactics are dangerous. Do not use while operating machinery and especially if you are not operating machinery. Users of Church of DIM prophylactics have experienced delusions of grandeur, kidney rot, unpleasant sentimental flashbacks, and sensations of toe jam).

—Brother O’Brien

“Bacteria Religion Officially Endorses Presidential Candidate”

NBC News (31 May 2016) “Bacteria Religion Officially Endorses Presidential Candidate”

The now all-too-familiar Church of DIM, whose believers claim that humans have overstayed their welcome on Planet Earth and should begin devolution in earnest, have officially endorsed a presidential candidate: Donald Trump.  “We couldn’t be happier with our choice of presidential candidates this election,” Brother O’Brien of the CoD stated, “but in the end Donald Trump was the very easy choice; he is ignorant, inept at anything other than filing for bankruptcy, and has a childlike ego which drives him to make terrible, terrible decisions. It is with Trump at the helm that we believe that the world will dissolve into a Mad Maxian dystopia, and we at the CoD just couldn’t be more tickled.”  The Trump campaign still has not rejected the endorsement, but did state that the CoD’s campaign slogan for Trump, “Vote for the Degenerate!” was a bit troubling, but not entirely inaccurate.