“Don’t Lose Faith!” by Brother O’Brien (and Brother Yates)

Whenever you lose faith, remember that the mighty protozoa is always with you – particularly in your digestive tract! (this message brought to you by the Church of Dim).

—Brother O’

[ I’m getting a little teary-eyed again… —Brother Yates]

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“The Book of Genocide” by Brother Noompsey

[The following piece is a non-canonical, apocryphal text sometimes associated with the early Mimetic Sect of the Church of Dim. It is presented here for educational purposes.]

The Book of Genocide

as Recorded from God by Brother Noompsey of the Order

of the Faithful Animal Propagation of Philosophy and Mimesis, OBE.

1. Verily, it came to pass that the world

Created by a divine and bene-

Volent Creator stood in the lone cosmos

A singularity of creatures and man

Living in peaceful bliss.

2. Man and mega-lizard, cat and dog

Living together as one, a Panagea of peace.

But, as time went lazily down the garden path

Of insouciance, man soon got really bored.

2a. Tranquility and Relaxing Cool jazz

Really grated on his nerves.

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Oh mighty Protozoa…

Today I pray to thee that Paula Deen’s new show be named “Home-cookin’ in Harlem,” a live cooking show on the street which has a studio audience of 300 African-Americans who just heard her wish to have a dinner party, and…  “Well, what I would really like is a bunch of little niggers to wear long-sleeved white shirts, black shorts and black bow-ties, you know, in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around. That would be a true Southern wedding. But we can’t do that because the media would be on me about that.”

Home-Cookin’ in Harlem – coming to pay-per-view soon…

More wisdom from Mother Protozoa

“The pen is mightier than the sword… unless you’re in a sword fight. Then you’re screwed, mate.” ~Mother P

“A rolling stone gathers no moss… just liver spots and a coke addiction.” ~Mother P

“Two wrongs don’t make a right…but 4 lefts will put you back where you were.” ~Mother P

“When the going gets tough… it’s usually better to just quit and start a drinking habit.” ~Mother P

“No man is an island… but Raymond Burr came pretty damn close.” ~Mother P

“People in glass houses… probably spend a butt-load on curtains.” ~Mother P

“Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst… because the worst will always happen. ALWAYS.” ~Mother P

“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer… because have you seen how hot your enemies are?” ~Mother P

“God helps those who help themselves… but since God doesn’t exist, you may wanna take care of that thing yourself.” ~Mother P

Party Like a Parasite!

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Hello Fellow Dimoebians!
So many of you have asked the restrictions The New Church of Dim puts on partying.  The answer to that would, of course, be… none.  In fact, partying is not only encouraged, but required under the as-of-now-unwritten 88 Commandments (praise be).  For every drink drunk, and every sticky smoked, we are closer than ever to our Holy Protozoa.  Perhaps even you will have a vision that will contribute to our growing new religion.  DOWN WITH PEOPLE – UP WITH AMOEBA!

Impossible Questions

Thought: If we, at the Church of Dim, believe that humans are essentially cock-blocking evolution at this point, does that make us self-loathing?  And does that, in turn, make us part Jewish?

Other unanswerable questions come to mind: Why is four? How much purple would it take to reach the moon?  What is the difference between a cat?

It occurs to me that this is exactly why we have created our new religion in the first place: only an inferior species like human beings would waste time wondering if water floats – other animals are out there, having fun, doin’ it, running, jumping, doin’ it; no bills, no cell phones, no wars over religion, no congress (except for doin’ it).

Thank you, Mother Protozoa, leader of single-celled organisms, show us the way.

Our Belief System

As we continue to welcome new members of The Church of Dim,  so reflects the growth and evolution of our Beliefs.

1) Our God is the genus, Protozoa (praise be).  Whether it is many Gods or one God in many forms, is simply “The Eternal Question.”

2) We believe human beings (homo exploitus) to be inferior to all other life in the universe, due to our selfish, arrogant, and destructive nature.

3) Every Tuesday is ‘Taco Tuesday.’

4) Every week of the year shall have an official and recognized holiday, giving our followers many days off to worship amoebas and shit.

5) Tithing is only 8%, a significant discount from other religions of false gods.  Until we find away to exploit this influx of cash, however, followers are encouraged to spend 8% of their earnings on wildly inappropriate goods and services.  Using CoD tithing for practical purposes is considered a sin against Mother Protozoa.

6) We believe in the “Final Cleansing,” wherein humans will eventually devolve to the point that other species start leading the food chain. Such as, but not limited to, giant razor hawks, flame-throwing bears, flying rabid rhesus monkeys, and super-intelligent squirrels with slightly ill-mannered dispositions.

7) When you die and Mother Protozoa starts consuming you, it is you who becomes part of the Great Mother.  That’s right, badasses, YOU become God.  That is truly the dope shit.  Verily.

8) The Church of Dim’s heaven has 888 levels – because no one wants to be in a place of eternal happiness if you’re sitting next to Aunt Bertha the whole fucking time, amiright?

These beliefs, known as the “Enlightened Eight,” will be forever inscribed in our hearts… until we make inevitable changes to them. Then we’ll just come up with some other awesome name for them.

Go now, children of Dim, and gather others to our new faith. You are on the ground floor of something special.

Mother Protozoa be with ye.

The Announcement you’ve been waiting for – bless us, every one!

Greetings, Fellow Dimmers,

It is a great day for The New Church of Dim and its members.  We have waited many weeks for a vision to enlighten us as to our (and your) one, true God.

The time has come, brothers and sisters – our God has been revealed.  And unlike other religions which would have you believe that simply because we are human, that the savior must be in the same image, we are very proud to share this Earth-shattering news:

Almighty God is the Genus, Protozoan.  Be humbled in Her presence, followers, for Mother Protozoa is all around us.  She has been there with us since the beginning – at the origin of all species.  Let Mother Protozoa’s love enter you and touch your heart.

But not literally, dear ones, because She can also give you a nasty bacterial infection.

Bow to Her power.

Spread the news on this joyous day.

The Church of Dim.