“DIM Response” by Brother O’Brien & Brother Amoeba

Having discovered this nasty piece of propaganda circulating on the internet, we feel it is our duty to warn you all of how dangerous we are!

From: Kirkett Miller, PhD

To: the public at large

Re: insidious cult (DIM)

I am writing this open letter to the public as a warning.  My esteemed colleagues and I have intentionally kept silent about a particular pseudo-religion sweeping the web, “The Church of Dim” (CoD), as we certainly did not want to give this whackjob movement any extra legitimacy with the use of our respected names.

To begin, any “religion” which advocates a “devolution” in which humans will begin to regress through embraced ignorance and stupidity is dangerous, unethical, and should be dismissed entirely.  Despite this reckless belief system, however, the CoD has continued to enjoy shockingly large numbers of mouth-breathing recruits who seek some sort of truth through the worship of amoebas and other single-cellular life.

I pose this question: how can we possibly take seriously a “faith” that creates flyers and bumper stickers which say, “Believe in CoD,” “Cod=Peace” – and “Genus Chrystum is the Son of CoD” ?  These hunchback Neanderthal creators actually partnered with Skippers fish restaurant to launch a “Got CoD?” promotion which offered a two-piece cod basket that “tastes saviory.”  The level these scam-artists will lower themselves to apparently knows no restriction of depth.

And yes, to be honest, there is also a personal motivation for me: I was infuriated when several different species of bacteria were shipped to my home with a note which read, “CoD bless you – let these tiny worms into your heart.”  Only now is my family recovering from the trauma of being quarantined for over three months.

Additionally, we were disappointed to see that among the celebrities that the CoD boasts, Kim Kardashian and the little fat kid from Goonies have now joined their Ludacris ranks.  No, that isn’t a type-o, the rapper Ludacris is actually the CoD celebrity recruiter.  And now we hear of CoD’s prediction of Armageddon, (what they’re promoting as “Germageddon (bbq after).”  This madness must end.

At the end of the day (which is NOT “Walter Sobchek Day,” despite what you may have heard), I believe most of you are reasonable enough to avoid this laughable, yet dangerous, cult and their disgusting message.  But please, for those of you who have friends or family who might be susceptible to such cancerous hoopla, I implore you to guide them away from the sickening atrocity of CoD before it is too late.


Dr. K. Miller


Party Like a Parasite!



Hello Fellow Dimoebians!
So many of you have asked the restrictions The New Church of Dim puts on partying.  The answer to that would, of course, be… none.  In fact, partying is not only encouraged, but required under the as-of-now-unwritten 88 Commandments (praise be).  For every drink drunk, and every sticky smoked, we are closer than ever to our Holy Protozoa.  Perhaps even you will have a vision that will contribute to our growing new religion.  DOWN WITH PEOPLE – UP WITH AMOEBA!

Cleansed, yo

Prayed to the Holy Amoeba today – totally forgave every sin I’ve ever committed.  That’s a pretty sweet deal – no guilt, no regrets, just do whatever you want and then ask for forgiveness.  No wonder that Christianity nonsense took off so quickly.

Brb – off to do something morally questionable…

Our Belief System

As we continue to welcome new members of The Church of Dim,  so reflects the growth and evolution of our Beliefs.

1) Our God is the genus, Protozoa (praise be).  Whether it is many Gods or one God in many forms, is simply “The Eternal Question.”

2) We believe human beings (homo exploitus) to be inferior to all other life in the universe, due to our selfish, arrogant, and destructive nature.

3) Every Tuesday is ‘Taco Tuesday.’

4) Every week of the year shall have an official and recognized holiday, giving our followers many days off to worship amoebas and shit.

5) Tithing is only 8%, a significant discount from other religions of false gods.  Until we find away to exploit this influx of cash, however, followers are encouraged to spend 8% of their earnings on wildly inappropriate goods and services.  Using CoD tithing for practical purposes is considered a sin against Mother Protozoa.

6) We believe in the “Final Cleansing,” wherein humans will eventually devolve to the point that other species start leading the food chain. Such as, but not limited to, giant razor hawks, flame-throwing bears, flying rabid rhesus monkeys, and super-intelligent squirrels with slightly ill-mannered dispositions.

7) When you die and Mother Protozoa starts consuming you, it is you who becomes part of the Great Mother.  That’s right, badasses, YOU become God.  That is truly the dope shit.  Verily.

8) The Church of Dim’s heaven has 888 levels – because no one wants to be in a place of eternal happiness if you’re sitting next to Aunt Bertha the whole fucking time, amiright?

These beliefs, known as the “Enlightened Eight,” will be forever inscribed in our hearts… until we make inevitable changes to them. Then we’ll just come up with some other awesome name for them.

Go now, children of Dim, and gather others to our new faith. You are on the ground floor of something special.

Mother Protozoa be with ye.