Oh mighty Protozoa…

Today I pray to thee that Paula Deen’s new show be named “Home-cookin’ in Harlem,” a live cooking show on the street which has a studio audience of 300 African-Americans who just heard her wish to have a dinner party, and…  “Well, what I would really like is a bunch of little niggers to wear long-sleeved white shirts, black shorts and black bow-ties, you know, in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around. That would be a true Southern wedding. But we can’t do that because the media would be on me about that.”

Home-Cookin’ in Harlem – coming to pay-per-view soon…

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More wisdom from Mother Protozoa

“The pen is mightier than the sword… unless you’re in a sword fight. Then you’re screwed, mate.” ~Mother P

“A rolling stone gathers no moss… just liver spots and a coke addiction.” ~Mother P

“Two wrongs don’t make a right…but 4 lefts will put you back where you were.” ~Mother P

“When the going gets tough… it’s usually better to just quit and start a drinking habit.” ~Mother P

“No man is an island… but Raymond Burr came pretty damn close.” ~Mother P

“People in glass houses… probably spend a butt-load on curtains.” ~Mother P

“Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst… because the worst will always happen. ALWAYS.” ~Mother P

“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer… because have you seen how hot your enemies are?” ~Mother P

“God helps those who help themselves… but since God doesn’t exist, you may wanna take care of that thing yourself.” ~Mother P

More Trouble from the Eastboro Baptistas!

To all Dimericans:

As you know, the Church of Dim and The Two Ricks podcast have been targeted by the most heinous, spiteful, dangerous, volatile, and frightening group of haters: Christians.  But not just any Christians, we are being harassed by the infamous Eastboro Baptist Church (picture below).

They hate us for our beliefs; they hate us for our unwavering faith; and they hate us because we only have 8% tithing and a kick-ass goddess, Mother Protozoa.  Sure she is just a microscopic, worm-like parasite, but she has a very sweet disposition.  She is also never judgmental and allows her followers to engage in unlimited debauchery.

We need your support now more than ever, so join us today.

Praise be the Amoeba.

The Church of Dim

COD1 (1)

Party Like a Parasite!

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Hello Fellow Dimoebians!
So many of you have asked the restrictions The New Church of Dim puts on partying.  The answer to that would, of course, be… none.  In fact, partying is not only encouraged, but required under the as-of-now-unwritten 88 Commandments (praise be).  For every drink drunk, and every sticky smoked, we are closer than ever to our Holy Protozoa.  Perhaps even you will have a vision that will contribute to our growing new religion.  DOWN WITH PEOPLE – UP WITH AMOEBA!

Cleansed, yo

Prayed to the Holy Amoeba today – totally forgave every sin I’ve ever committed.  That’s a pretty sweet deal – no guilt, no regrets, just do whatever you want and then ask for forgiveness.  No wonder that Christianity nonsense took off so quickly.

Brb – off to do something morally questionable…

Impossible Questions

Thought: If we, at the Church of Dim, believe that humans are essentially cock-blocking evolution at this point, does that make us self-loathing?  And does that, in turn, make us part Jewish?

Other unanswerable questions come to mind: Why is four? How much purple would it take to reach the moon?  What is the difference between a cat?

It occurs to me that this is exactly why we have created our new religion in the first place: only an inferior species like human beings would waste time wondering if water floats – other animals are out there, having fun, doin’ it, running, jumping, doin’ it; no bills, no cell phones, no wars over religion, no congress (except for doin’ it).

Thank you, Mother Protozoa, leader of single-celled organisms, show us the way.

Mission Statement

Church of dim

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Mission statement

 

            In every religion there is a common, fundamental, and truly flawed position held in their doctrines: the assumed superiority of human beings.  We, at the Church of Dim, are not so near-sighted.

            The CoD certainly recognizes and celebrates enlightened human spirits, such as Saint Sobchak and Prophet George Carlin (praise be), yet we believe in the inherent inferiority of man.  In the race of humans, we have all lost – we have created war and guns and Justin Bieber and potato chips flavored like Chicken & Waffles. Enough is enough.

            It is time that humans reverse course and devolve so that we may eventually slither back into slimy marshes and allow a new species to take the throne as kings of the food chain.  We at the CoD prefer to think of the new alpha species as a massive, eagle-like creature with a grizzly bear head, razor wings, laser eyes, sword like talons, a flame-throwing anus, and a 340 I.Q.  But the laser eyes part is pure speculation.

            Let us celebrate.  Let us commune. Let us devolve.