It is the mission of the Church of DIM to reconnect humanity with the mystery and terror of life that pre-modern societies understood and which caused them to invent religions in the first place. Today, we just aren’t confused or afraid enough, so we at the CoD feel it is our HOLY DUTY to make life scary, confusing, disorienting, and monstrous again. To help with this process, the MASTERMINDS behind the CoD have channeled the Spirit of Mother Protozoa and she has dictated these HOLY DAYS, these BLESSED HOLIDAYS, which teach us, the followers of the CoD, important lessons that will help us to confuse, annoy, terrify, and bombard the NON-DIMMERS with concepts that will inspire them to turn to the Church of DIM—the only religion that embraces CHAOS, FEAR, and FUN all at the same time! (Right now, the MASSES are too complacent, too wrapped up in their Atari games, watching their M*A*S*H and Night Court on television, and listening to their Steve Miller Band records. It sickens me.) With that said, here are your NEW HOLY HOLIDAYS!!! (Remember, these are OFFICIAL RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS and they can each be requested off from work, with threats of religious persecution and litigation if the requests are not complied with! Wink! Wink!)
January’s HOLY Days—
1st: Stabbed in the Back Day – The 1st of January each year is when we in the Church of Dim think back on all the people who have offended, betrayed, hurt, slighted, insulted, angered, or irritated us at any time in our lives, AND WE PLOT OUR REVENGE. Life is far too short to go around forgiving every asshole, dick-head, or moron that needs to be punished for their crimes, no matter how incidental or unintentional the offense may seem to society. The HOLY GRUDGE is a sacred pact in the DIM faith that can only be broken in extreme cases (like prosecution or a sizable payoff.) Mind you, January 1st in NOT the day to ACT on any of these revenge plots. (That doesn’t happen until February 14th: Violentimes Day.) January 1st is for planning, plotting, and fantasizing—executing our revenge ONLY in our heads… (For now.)
2nd: Faux Resolution Day – While many have already failed in their New Year’s resolutions made the day previous, it is time to impress people. First, choose a resolution to change a behavior you don’t even have, then spread the word. Within 30 days, people will be proud and impressed when you pass the one month mark without: smoking crack–committing arson– or perhaps telling children that Santa killed their REAL parents. Soon, your coworkers will celebrate you as an inspiration: the person who stopped doing that terrible thing cold turkey. Bravo!
3rd: Psychic Vision Day – On this day each year, every member of the CoD must have at least ONE psychic vision, IN PUBLIC, pulling out all the bells and whistles (metaphorically speaking—Bells & Whistles Day isn’t until the 29th of January) and being as dramatic as possible. Swooning, fake trances, hand on the forehead, eyes fluttering or rolling back, etc… But here’s the kicker: All the psychic visions and prophecies for the day must be of a ridiculously mundane nature. Lost car keys and wallets, having lunch with someone sometime in the next year, will watch a t.v. program and be disappointed. The goal is, as our religion understands, the more theatrical but pointless an action is, the more HOLY!
4th: Ask and Answer Day – Is this an official CoD holiday? Yes, it is. Do we feel good about it? Yes, we do. Will this annoy the absolute shits out of your friends and family? Yes, yes it will.
5th: Guilty and Ashamed Day – On this day (and ONLY this day) each year, we recognize that we are guilty of the crime of being alive, and as punishment, we must hide our faces in shame from the judgmental Sun. Masks, hoods, dark glasses, face paint, at least a mustache (if it’s big enough) can be used to hide your face, concealing your identity and guilt—and HELL, since you’re already guilty and disguised…I mean covered up for religious reasons, any EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES that go down that day are strictly “Off the Record.” Be sure to tell anyone who asks you to remove your “Shame Covering” while in public that they are interfering with your religious freedom and that your lawyers will be happy to discuss the details with them! Shame…
6th: Gildengarben Day! – Everything seems more special when it is gold! Just grab a can of spray paint and find some garbage: an old sock, a used Q-tip, a half-eaten grapefruit, the list is endless! Then, when one of your fantastical gems is discovered, simply sneak behind the confused person and scream as loudly as you can, “GILDENGARBEN! GILDENGARBEN! GILDENGARBEN!” Never gets old.
7th: Subtle Sarcasm Day – Put the world in its place whenever possible today, but do it in a way that leaves the world wondering if you’re being serious or just being snarky. (This day is, of course, in honor of St. Lewis: The Great Snark Hunter!)
8th: Too Many Friends Day! – This is the special day when you stop what you’re saying and only say what you’re thinking! (Extreme warning: Do not, under any circumstances, be around people on this day, particularly your family. This is a good day to skip work and not answer your phone for 24 hours).
9th: Not Enough Friends Day – This is the day we mope around, acting depressed, and mumbling about how everyone hates us. If anyone brings up anything you did the day before, on Too Many Friends Day, tell them that the Devil made you do it, then threaten to sue them…
10th: G2 Day – All conversation must be in movie quotes! Sound fun? Not so fast. All quotes must come from Gremlins 2: “The New Batch.”
11th: Amnesia Day – Whenever it would be funny or annoying or useful, pretend to have amnesia. Someone wants you to help them move? Say, “Who are you!?!?” Didn’t remember to do the dishes or finish mowing the low? Sway on your feet and say, in a dreamy voice, “There was this bright light…and I suddenly felt like I was floating…and now I just…I just can’t remember…” Then rub the back of your neck and stare at the person with your eyes open as wide as you can open them! (This holiday will help you get out of much work, and will confuse and frustrate many people! Hooray!)
12th: Black Helicopter Day – From the moment a CoD member wakes up today, every single person and event, no matter how unremarkable, contributes to your increasing state of paranoia. Was that a Snickers wrapper that little girl just threw in the trash? Or was it a laser marker for an impeding aerial assault? Hint: it was the second one.
13th: Confirming the Myth Day! – Today, you confirm not only your belief in every monster, urban legend, conspiracy theory, and superstition you can think of, but you also tell anyone who will listen to you that you have incontrovertible proof! Your sister had one of her kidneys stolen while she was in Vegas, and you’ve SEEN THE SCAR YOUR SELF! Your uncle was raped by Bigfoot! You saw a reptilian disguised as a Senator in a bathroom at the capital building in Olympia. Elvis used to rent a room from your ex-girlfriend’s grandfather, who owns a hotel in Flagstaff, and he caught Elvis performing a Satanic ritual sacrifice in the parking garage with a group of robed figures, but they all escaped before the cops arrived. Your brother was abducted by aliens when you were a teenager, and you found him, six days later, wandering around in the woods with a strange metal chip implanted in the side of his head. Jesus came to you in a dream and cured your planters warts, and when you woke up, they were gone! It’s all true—at least on the 13th…
14th: Go Ahead, Do It Day! – In the spirit of the core message of the CoD, the fall of man, on this day we encourage you to start a new bad habit! The more dangerous, the better! Never chewed tobacco? Never took steroids or tried sexual asphyxia? We’ve heard good things – try it!
15th: Holy Shit Day! – This is the day when CoD-ers (or Dimminites, if you prefer) declare every bad, yucky, terrible, or inappropriate that they see to be ART. Pile of dog shit on the sidewalk? ART! Car crash? ART! Man swindling hundreds of elderly women out of their retirement money? ART! Bar fight with lots of blood and broken glass? ART! If you have a camera and can snap a photo of the ART and can share it on a social media site, that’s awesome. If you want to make some ART of your own, that’s EVEN BETTER! ART is HOLY, even (or especially) if it’s SHIT!
16th: Microbe Madness! – It’s the day to get in touch with our saviors! You know that filthy cesspool of a river under those train tracks? Time for a swim! You know that greasy spoon down the street that got a health department rating of “God help us all”? Time to eat! Let Mother Protozoa work her way inside you and feel the spirit!
17th: Light a Candle Because It’s Fun to Watch Things Burn Night – Tonight we will all light a candle and watch it burn because it’s fun to watch things burn. What other things would be fun to watch burn to the ground?
18th: Do Good Works Day – Okay, I know what you’re thinking, that human benevolence spits in the face of what we are trying to achieve, and that is why when you do something nice for someone today, you must have seriously sketchy ulterior motives. At the very least, we will give the false impression to society that the CoD is about kindness and mercy (suckers).
19th: Go Back Two Spaces Day! – Life is sometimes like a board game, and for this incredibly HOLY holiday, we go back two… This might seem weird and cryptic, but I don’t give a shit about your petty criticisms. Whatever it is in life that’s bugging you, go back two. Anything sound like it’s going to be boring or unappealing? Go back two. Remember that holiday we had two days ago, go back two—and do that shit again, only DOUBLE!
20th: False, Sir. Day! – Today is celebrated by contradicting every single statement of fact uttered by others. e.g. Some dude: “Abraham Lincoln was the 16th president of the United States.” You: “Actually, that’s not quite true.” Then, when pressed for further explanation, just mumble some generalities, such as “That’s just what they want you to believe” or “C’mon, follow the money, man” or “Do you really think it’s that simple?” Hatred from others warning: 9.8
21st: Worship Yourself Day! – Why not? You are just as full of Mother Amoeba’s love as any other living thing swimming in bacteria, viruses, and single-celled life. Worship yourself today, in whatever manner pleases you most! (I mean, who in the 74 Hells else is going to do it?)
22nd: On Notice Day – Today, every CoD member must post at least two different notices in public, conspicuous places. The content is up to you! Perhaps you are in the mind to sell a slightly-chewed pencil, or maybe you prefer a missing poster offering a 75 cent reward to whomever finds your soul. Get creative!
23rd: “All Dead, All Dead” Day – Today we remember the fictional lives massacred by the giant robot in the Queen album NEWS OF THE WORLD by listening, at least once, to the HOLY HYMN, “All Dead, All Dead,” and thinking about our own possible demise at the hands of a mechanical menace, either sent from the stars or let lose by our own damned intelligences. (On a secondary note, January 23rd is also Long Ass-ed Rambling Sentence Day. Praise be the blowhards and untiring pontificators!!!)
24th: No Day Day – The Church of Dim does NOT recognize January 24th – we will not conform to The Man’s calendar. Also, this makes it very exciting when people try to schedule you for anything. Please use this day to commit any crimes you have been putting off. Good luck to a prosecutor trying to prove you did something on a day that doesn’t exist!
25th: It’s All a Dream Day – Today we recognize the undeniable fact that NONE OF THIS IS REAL! None. Nada. All poof… It doesn’t matter how you celebrate because POOF!
26th: Your Lucky Day! – Today, play all lotto games using random or chosen numbers. On the 1:796,000,000 chance you win, donate 95% of all winnings to the CoD (use pre-tax figures only – the CoD is not interested in paying for YOUR taxes, hippie).
27th: Cookie Day – Today, eat as many cookies as you can! Cookies are awesome, especially the most HOLY chocolate chip, Mother Amoeba’s favorite.
28th: Spread the Love Day! – This is the day in which you open up to friends and family, letting them know how much you care for and love them; however, to keep this day from becoming a horribly, sickening-sweet emotion-fest, every statement of feelings shall be absolutely dripping with sarcasm.
29th: Bells & Whistles Day – Make as much noise as you can all day. Hum, clap, cough, whistle, bang on stuff, clank chains or tin cups, interrupt others’ conversations, and generally disrupt everything in the world with sound! All day and all through the night!!! (Make noise until the police come…then stop.)
30th: Keep ’em Guessing Day – Today, you will have many cell phone conversations, without an actual phone. When in public places, simply start speaking to your mom, your banker, or even someone with a wrong number. Drive bystanders crazy as they try to figure out where your bluetooth is.
31st: Statistical Proof Day – Whenever possible, make up bizarre, improbable, statistical anomalies that are absolutely out of context with the rest of the conversation, and we use those fictional statistics to prove our made-up points. While having coffee with a significant other, casually drop some tidbit, like this: “71% of Americans believe their cars are intelligent” or “I saw online that only 15% of the Republicans in the Senate remember their own first name. Most of them, about 49%, think their first name is ‘Senator.'” Pointless information, falsified numbers, all ridiculously disconnected to the time and place you say them. There’s still a 97% chance that what you say will be more accurate than anything said on Fox News. (The point of this HOLY day is to prove that statistics are stupid. So sayeth the Mother!)
—O’Brien & Yates
P.S. – Keep an eye out for our FEBRUARY calendar, so you know how to celebrate and get a few free days off of work in the midst of Winter!!!