“Mother Protozoa Wants to Help You!” by Brother O’Brien

Mother Protozoa wants to help you!

As you know, Mother Protozoa (MP) has predicted the end of Earth’s civilization on next Tuesday. Keep in mind that in spiritual time, “next Tuesday” might mean next Tuesday or 4 trillion years from now; this is important because amateur predictors offer clear deadlines that prevent further fleecing of the masses after the deadline has passed, whereas MP is wise enough to keep such milestones ambiguous, while seeming imminent.

Anywhozit, all life will end next Tuesday, y’all! And since you will have no need for material possessions or loose change, MP is willing to pay YOU .04 cents on the dollar for the value of your valuables and property! This wonderful opportunity means that you can finally sell your house, Faberge Eggs, cars, and gold teeth, all while earning enough for a fabulous dream vacation to Ridgefield, Washington! Tour the countryside! See the sights! Watch a meth-head fight a drifter for an ant-covered burrito! Then, simply wait for “next Tuesday” and enjoy the sweet embrace of End Times!

Please donate all of your possessions to Richard F. Yates (thankless accountant for the Sweet Lord Mother).

That is all.

—Brother O’Brien

A Divine Message from Mother Protozoa!

Last night, Mother Protozoa came to me in a dream and spoke. She mostly talked about how disappointed She was in me, generally, as a human being and an entitled loser (that took like 20 minutes), BUT She also revealed a prophecy – I wrote it down verbatim so I wouldn’t forget:

“In the human calendar year 2000 and 17, to the north and west, Brothers Yates, Erdahl, and O’Brien shall quit their jobs, leave their families, and form a band. It shall be a tribute band to a group from the 1900 and 80s. However, they will verily suck, REALLY verily, so sayeth the Holy Serpent; therefore, this tribute band shall play only for free drinks, and they will call themselves… Tears for Beers.”

I will keep you updated with any further prophecies from our Lord Mother!

~Brother O’Brien

(The following is a recently discovered un-edited version of one of the most holy sections of the DIM holy book. Much controversy has stemmed from this text, and many conclude because it was discovered in an email in a DOCx format that it is totally made up, but we will allow the reader to make up his or her or their own mind as to its authenticity.)

The Gospel according to Yolkoltak the Pretnetious*

Vacillate, verily, on the truth, for all is folly.
Folly is all and all is truly without accord to un-folly-ness.
Holy Folly.
That is all.

Amen.

Yeah, right.
Like you really thought I’d let it go at that?

Not.

Psych!

Now. Down to it.
As we can clearly see, the world is naught but folly. (Others may have made similar observations in the name of “vanity” but that was because they are totally vain. Losers).
What I am saying is totally different. Folly is not the same as vanity. Not in any way.
I mean, they may have been suggesting that vanity is a concept tied to the human interference with the plans of the Great Amoeba in the Sky – sometimes referred to as “The GAS” — but this is in no way similar to what I’m saying.
So this is totally not plagiarism.
Because I say so.

And when I say, “‘Folly of follies’, says the guy who stands at the front of a room full of students, ‘all is Folly’.” I mean this in the most unique and in my own words kind of way.

Never mind that “guy who stands at the front of a room full of students” sounds so awkward as to draw attention to what the original word in the quote might have been…like, “teacher”, but in this case the reader would be totally wrong. ‘Cause this is the way the words came to me from the mouth of The GAS.

Anyway, back to my main point, which is that Folly is folly-ness. And stuff.

I am not repeating myself because I’m making this shit up, and my publisher is breathing down my neck about some “new scripture” – why won’t these guys just get off me already, like this shit is easy to make up – ( I mean that only in a hypothetical way, and hope that the editors leave it in the final text as to confuse the issue further, allowing for deeper interpretation about the state of mind I was in during the writing, I mean recording of the sacred words of The GAS. {And Hopefully the Church Provisioners don’t notice the missing kegs of wine}).

So.
What was I talking about?

Wine you say?

Oh, yeah, I was in town a few weeks back. Yeah, I know I’m supposed to be receiving the Holy Emissions of The Gas, but I needed to “release some tension” – and by that I don’t mean do some stretching exercises. I’m not talking metaphorically. Not at all. I mean tension as a representation for something else, but not what one might imagine a holy dude getting into. Ya know?

No?

Sex.

Idiots. I’m talking about sex.

I’ve been locked in this cold fricking room for months on end, the aforementioned publishers demanding new “clarifying” texts to aid in the suppression of these very same tendencies in the Great Unwashed Masses. But, how am I to talk about ways to overcome “tension” when all I feel is “TENSION”?

So, I figured, get rid of the tension and then the Emissions of The Gas might be more…clear.

Boy, did that sound gross!

LOLZ.

I think the wine has gone to my head.

Anyway.

I went to town. And I got a bit. Tipshy.

Wow. The paGe lookS a bit bluuurrry. Or shomething.

Folly-nolly, good-golly the GAS has a RASH and it won’t go away!!!!!!!!!!!!

LA-LA-LA-La-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

SO! YOU StupID Fuckers, DON”T do it!! CasuE The GAS says itz stupeid and bad and shit…..

FOllyyy..

Amennenen.

—Transcribed by Josh Erdahl

[*The Gospel of Yolkoltak the Pretnetious was thought for many years to be lost, until Brother Erdahl mentioned that he thought he had a copy laying around, many years ago, and only NOW has the text itself been revealed!]

“The Book of Trial” by Brother O’Brien

Mother Amoeba did come to me in a dream in the form of a Mounds bar, but since I hate coconut, I ignored her.  THEN, she came in the form of a Twix, which I verily worshiped.

Long story short, here is the first chapter of The Book of Trial !

The Book of

Trial

ONE

  1. Mother Amoeba did then create man by allowing monkey-apes to evolve, and it pleased Her on that day.
  2. The next morning Mother Amoeba did feel not as pleased, so she called in sick and took a personal day. Verily.
  3. Man was clever. Perhaps too clever.
  4. Man did develop a system of environmental usage, based on a series of questions: 1) Can I kill it?  2) Can I eat it?  3) Can I subjugate it?  4) Can I have physical congress with it? 5) Does it amuse me?  Based on the answers to these questions, human actions were determined.
  5. Some forms of life did fall into all of these categories, which verily caused many problems. While some humans, full of meat, did want to make a life form a source of amusement, others did want to have physical congress with it.
  6. Humans were born without a conscience and would laugh at, have physical congress with, and consume a form of life in a single night, which did make many species develop defense mechanisms through evolution for self-preservation, and presumably, self-respect.
  7. As the sun set on one day, a woman human did ask her partner, a man human, if “she looked fat.”  As the woman had consumed many starches and raw swine for many months, the man human did confirm her fear and state that she was verily fat.  The resulting domestic abuse was both swift and severe, leaving the man human in a poor state of health. Other male humans did observe this incident and learned a valuable lesson that day. This day is also known as “The Birth of Self-Preserving Lies.”
  8. Many sunsets later, humans did accidentally discover fire by chipping stone spears near swine grease.  The resulting scene did involve much laughter and joy as some humans lit other humans with fire, and many were amused by the spectacle of terror and pain as the lesser humans who were ablaze did run into the forest in panic, resulting into a forest fire which obliterated much of the countryside.  Fire would only be re-invented 3,000 years later and used for more practical purposes, such as the ignition of Og’s flatulence.
  9. Humans did continue to exploit the earth and its life forms.
  10. When the deforestation by humans and Og’s continued flatulence did noticeably cause Earth temperatures to rise, many early human creatures showed concern over global climate change and their responsibility for it.  Yet, some of the less intelligent humans who did verily drag their knuckles on the ground, proclaimed that climate change was not real and so nothing was done to curb human exploitation of the world.  The intelligent human creatures did find solace in the prediction that a more advanced human in the future could never deny the truth of science and obvious facts.
  11. Mother Amoeba did return from her hiatus of 3,100 years and was displeased with man and his actions.
  12. Mother Amoeba’s wrath was swift and specific: She did create hangnails, muscle cramps, kidney stones, and boy bands.
  13. These punishments did anger mankind and he sought another recipient of his blind faith and worship. The future was verily dark.

 

“Bacteria Religion Officially Endorses Presidential Candidate”

NBC News (31 May 2016) “Bacteria Religion Officially Endorses Presidential Candidate”

The now all-too-familiar Church of DIM, whose believers claim that humans have overstayed their welcome on Planet Earth and should begin devolution in earnest, have officially endorsed a presidential candidate: Donald Trump.  “We couldn’t be happier with our choice of presidential candidates this election,” Brother O’Brien of the CoD stated, “but in the end Donald Trump was the very easy choice; he is ignorant, inept at anything other than filing for bankruptcy, and has a childlike ego which drives him to make terrible, terrible decisions. It is with Trump at the helm that we believe that the world will dissolve into a Mad Maxian dystopia, and we at the CoD just couldn’t be more tickled.”  The Trump campaign still has not rejected the endorsement, but did state that the CoD’s campaign slogan for Trump, “Vote for the Degenerate!” was a bit troubling, but not entirely inaccurate.

“Death Day” by Richard O’Brien

MAJOR HOLIDAY “Death Day” (June 17th) – There are dichotomies within the Church of DIM, and death is one of them.  While human death would seem natural and actually further the goals of the CoD, we are actually quite attached to our own lives and respect that others feel the same.  And since death is the ultimate fear, today we celebrate by spitting in the face of Death (believe me, he deserves it).  Today you can and should literally whistle past the graveyard, dress in deathly attire, however you interpret that, and laugh at the thought of your own mortality. What convinces you that you will die someday?  Just because everyone else in history has?  Don’t be such a sucker – immortality is easy (at level 9 of the Church of DIM. Level-up = $499 + tip).  You may or may not choose to engage in the annual “Blood Dance with the Devil” around a campfire.  Per tradition, disco music, partial nudity, overcooked meats, and blood-curdling screams will accompany the dance.  Tradition also holds that the celebration shall not end until a passerby is so horrified by the spectacle that they or their children are brought to tears. The harder you party, the sadder you make Death.  Cookies and juice to follow.

—Richard O’Brien

“DIM Open Slap Day!” by Brother O’Brien

“DIM Open Slap Day” (June 16th) – We don’t condone violence at the Church of DIM as there is more than enough to enjoy in everyday life, but once a year we like to make a small exception, and today is that day, fellow Dimmers!  Cut off in traffic?  Person in front of you in line talking in outside voice on the phone with no regard for others?  Stranger says something jaw-droppingly ignorant with conviction?  Open slaps.  Right in their stupid faces.  Either they will consider your reaction and decide to change their behavior or, more likely, they will just be angry – but hey, either way, you still get the thrill of open-slapping an idiot in the face.  Right in their stupid, stupid faces. Slap. With your hand. Opened. Open slap.  As always, if someone objects to something as innocuous as an open slap to the face, claim religious persecution. And slap them again.

—Brother O’Brien

“The (True) Book of Progress” as channeled by Brother O’Brien

The Testament of DIM

The (True) Book of

Progress

THREE

 

  1. Before man, the true origin of life rests in the single-celled beginning of life, a mere pool of organisms that, through anomaly and reproduction, did become more than single-cells.
  2. And from this stew of life did come tiny amphibians and poopanuses, but Mother Amoeba did disapprove of this name, so they were renamed “pollywogs,” which amused Her.
  3. For 3 million years, pollywogs did rule the swamps of Earth, which made them arrogant and there arose much bullying of less-developed species, so Mother Amoeba did turn them into frogs, which blew everyone’s minds. Frogs turned out to be far less condescending and were beloved by all swamp creatures.
  4. It was in one of the carcasses of a frog that the first maggot did appear, which Mother Amoeba turned into flies after complaints were filed regarding the yuckiness of the maggots.
  5. With Mother Amoeba’s creations now both waterborne and airborne, evolution accelerated exponentially.
  6. Lizards.
  7. Rodents.
  8. Birds.
  9. Monkeys.
  10. Flying monkeys (but only briefly – they did displease Mother Amoeba, making “The Wizard of Oz” a forbidden film in the Church of DIM).
  11. Regular monkeys were beloved by all creatures except hair lice, but verily, hair lice had an inferior lobby presence and their preferences were ignored.
  12. Several monkey artists did arrange a gallery of suggested new species for Mother Amoeba for Her to either reject or say it was so.
  13. And Mother Amoeba said it was so, and it was so. In contrast, when the Christian god said it was so, it was so-so.

 

“Unfortunate Cancellation” by Brother O’Brien

Important Notice for Dimmers,

Dear Church of DIM followers, it troubles me to inform you that our ‘Million-Dimmer March’ on June 1st has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. As it happens, our rally was in Raleigh, and as a consequence for the passage of North Carolina’s anti-LGBT
bill, the Church of DIM refuses to contribute one dime to their state’s economy. We will try and move our traditional rally celebrations, such as the “Rubber Pants Party,” “Mini Golf Murder,” and event favorites such as “Who’s Got the Antidote?!” to an alternate venue.

A possible location for rescheduling is Mexico City, where we encourage all Dimmers, “DO drink the water!” to get closer to Mother Amoeba! (Date TBD)

—Brother O’Brien

Chapter Two – The Book of “Progress”

1.      The origin of Snake is of great importance.

2.      In the beginning, Snake was hardly recognizable: he was
bipedal, clothed in the finest linens, and was extremely successful in
the business of dinosaur extinction.

3.      The first corporation, preceding even human beings by 66
million years, Exxon, did seek out Snake in the interest of killing
and burying dinosaurs so that they might transform into petroleum over
the course of time.

4.      Snake was adept at his job and found tricking dinosaurs into
walking over a cliff quite easy, but sometimes, in moments of boredom,
Snake did arrange Colosseum-style battles involving every different
dinosaur species.

5.      Soon, Snake was very wealthy and did become the first creature
to own a wheel, a sign of prestige.

6.      Snake also enslaved prehistoric beavers to remove massive
swaths of forest in order to better his view of the world.

7.      Snake was still not satisfied and began to feed beans and
broccoli to all animal creatures in order to enjoy the sound of their
massive flatulence, which verily contributed to global climate change.

8.      Snake’s now large collection of stone wheels did scar the
earth in every direction.

9.      But still Snake was not happy. Not with his collection of
wheels; not with his fine, developed appendages: not with his
flamboyant colors; not with his huge brain; not even with his portable
music player which consisted of two songbirds strapped to his ears, a
great technological advancement.

10.  In a moment of blissful awareness, then, Snake did realize the
Truth. Snake had contributed greatly to the wide destruction of the
land and the environment. Without mercy, snake had brought death upon
the creatures of the world, all for his wealth and amusement. Snake
was the problem. But verily, Snake would save the world from what he
had become.

11.  Snake did release the prehistoric beavers and songbirds; he did
stop killing dinosaurs, though they were mostly gone at this point; he
did remove his clothes, offer his appendages to a swamp teeming with
single-celled organisms until bacterial infection caused them to fall
off, leaving Snake only to slither, a skill far more difficult to
acquire than one would think.

12.  Over time, Snake learned the pleasure of simply slithering
through tree branches and eating fruit.

13.  Snake had learned life’s lesson, realizing only the most ignorant
and arrogant of species would attempt to “progress” and sacrifice the
good of the earth for their own benefit.  66 million years later, a
very old snake would witness the birth of humans, and Snake was deeply
troubled. Verily.

snake worship.png

(Scholarship by Brother O’Brien. Interpretive art by Brother Yates.)