“Parents Concerned”

New Tifton Chronicle (22 May 2016) “Parents concerned about ‘filthy’
children’s new ‘DIM’ behavior”

There is no one you can find among our 442 residents of
New Tifton who have not heard of the Church of DIM by now. Billy
Sanders, 15, first discovered the self-proclaimed faith on the
internet and soon spread the details of the presumed cult amongst his
classmates. Resident Valerie Fallum said, “That boy told every child
that ‘DIM was the true faith and that it was their duty to avoid
education as it is only a tutorial on how to further destroy the
earth.’” Across town, children have obsessed in cultivating
single-celled organisms and “releasing them into the wild as a way to
impede human progress.” A class-action lawsuit has been filed against
the church’s co-founder, Richard Yates. The CoD’s other co-founder,
Richard O’Brien, provided a press-release stating that he had “never
heard of this Richard Yates, but I encourage authorities to prosecute
him to the fullest extent of the law.” Meanwhile, it has been 9 days
since the children of New Tifton have bathed, asserting that their
religion forbids the killing of bacteria. God help us.

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