“DIM Hunting Day!” by Brother O’Brien

“Dim Hunting Day!” (June 14th) – You may have assumed that The Church of DIM does
not advocate hunting, wherein a human exploits animals for sport, but
you couldn’t be more wrong. Yes, today is the official day of hunting
for our faith, but it does have certain rules: 1) Any geographical
area in which you hunt must be the natural habitat of at least two
predator species (e.g. wolves and grizzly bears). 2) Your weaponry
cannot contain firearms more powerful than a BB gun; knives are
allowed but the blade must not exceed 2 inches; first aid kits are
forbidden; and any face-to-face confrontation with a predator demands
that you only fight with brass knuckles and spinning, hypnotic glasses
found in the backs of old comic books that may or may not be totally
worthless. 3) Finally, no camouflage clothing shall be worn during
your hunt; instead, every hunter is required to be draped in
thinly-sliced prosciutto, each slice safety-pinned to one’s underwear.
Happy hunting!

—Brother O’Brien


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