[And verily, Brother O’Brien did receive the initial writings of The Testament of DIM from Mother Amoeba (praise be!), and although Brother O’Brien did write it down verbatim, Mother Amoeba did say that it could be subject to edits, saying “Writing IS rewriting – Don’t be a dummy.”]
The Testament of DIM
The Book of
- And with that inexplicable miracle, life began.
- From atoms to stars, and stars to sliced bread, everything suddenly became. “Suddenly,” in this instance, refers to billions of years of evolution, of course.
- Our story begins in earnest in the Garden of Eden, just as it does in a popular, yet overwhelmingly discredited religion. It is here that DIM’s greatest ally, Snake, first appears.
- As Snake slithered through the branches of the quince tree, he did see the arrival of a naked man and woman, clearly in a post-coital stupor.
- “Hey,” said Snake. But there was no response from the humans. “HEY,” Snake repeated, yet again this was only met with silence. “HEYYY!!!” Snake called out for a third time, bringing the brief glance of the two humans, who then giggled and turned away as if they were too cool to talk to Snake. And this did make Snake feel inferior.
- Having been denied three times, Snake began to assess the humans more thoroughly: they had frightening appendages, each with smaller digits of flesh attached, and traveled across the ground in strides, as if they were on stilts; no slithering, them.
- Verily, their appearance was grotesque, gangly, and gratuitous. Snake’s body, on the other hand, could not be more sleek and simple in design. He was far from the pure beauty and perfection of a single-celled organism, but he did not contain the wild extensions and crevasses and mounds that the poor humans endured.
- In Snake’s first act of benevolence, he retrieved a ripe quince and offered it to the human couple. It was then that the man with one extra bodily extension, though barely noticeable, warned the human with extra hills that God had said not to eat from this tree and not to trust the evil snake that slithered in its branches.
- This offended Snake, as one would imagine.
- Despite the warnings, the extra-hilled-human did take of the fruit, and this is when the voice of God was heard, chastising the humans for disobeying. God said, “You shall both now adorn clothing as you are no longer pure and innocent.” Snake considered telling God that their innocence was ruined about an hour ago on a pile of leaves behind a bush, but kept silent.
- Then God said, “You have taken from the creature of evil, the snake, the representative of unholy darkness and sin.”
- It was then that Snake said, “Hey guy, you don’t know me! Can I go out on a limb and guess that you don’t make friends easily, champ? Yeah, shame on me for offering some fruit to a couple of ugly humans – I felt sorry for them.”
- God did not respond, presumably because He could not think of a good comeback.