“Even More New Holidays” by Brother O’Brien

“2 more holidays – having fun receiving instructions from Mother Amoeba.” —O’Brien

“Day of the Inappropriate Conga Line” (June 11th) – Self-explanatory. Suggestions: Funerals, DMVs, murder trials, freeways, use your imagination! As an organizer of an inappropriate conga line, if you attract ten spontaneous joiners to the line it shall result in an automatic level-up in the CoD and your “Inappropriate Conga Line” patch.

June 12th is, of course, Day of Debauchery! (One of our favorites!)

“Dimmee-Gimmee-Gifting Day” (June 13th) – This is a day in which Dimmers take what they have earned. Every person on Earth owes you a gift today, so get an early start. You shall have the inherent right to approach every non-Dimmer and politely ask what they have for you. If necessary, explain the sacred holiday to them. You may accept anything from a
stick of gum to a new Ferrari, keeping in mind that the CoD shall receive 9% of total value of what you collect. If you run into a rare situation in which a non-Dimmer refuses to give you anything, narrow your eyes and say in your deepest, darkest voice, “That is okay,
human, I have taken your soul instead…” then scream “ANTI-DIMMITE! ANTI-DIMMITE!” for all to hear. Note: In the event that you ask a fellow Dimmer for a gift on Dimmee-Gimmee-Gifting Day, you shall both laugh, trade a gift of equal value, and then sing, “I take from you, you take from me, Dimmers forever in e-tern-ity, Mother Amoeba – her life praise thee, single-celled is the way for we!” (For unknown reasons lost in its origin, when the two Dimmers part and begin to walk away, they shall both look back at the other Dimmer with an expression of suspicion and mistrust, bordering on contempt).

—Brother O’Brien

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