“New DIM Holiday!!!” by Brother O’Brien

“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough Day” (June 10th) – If we are being literal, yes,
every mountain is high enough, in fact too high for a Dimmer. We
prefer not to traverse anything larger than a very small mound of
grass. The truth is, this day is about something much greater.
Certainly you’ve heard stories of people gaining high-level employment
until 20 years later when someone actually realizes they topped out at
eighth grade? Well, listen up: on this day you should send out dozens
of resumes to your dream jobs – but not just any jobs – jobs that pay
$250,000+ a year and ones that you are ridiculously unqualified for.
I’m definitely not saying, YES, YOU SHOULD LIE on these resumes; that
would be unethical.

Sure, you will get responses that say things like, “Are
you f**king kidding me?” and “Is this a joke?” and “For the last time,
there is no such thing as an ‘Ice Cream Czar’ in the federal
government!” you might also be surprised to find out that no one
checks out references from Bill Gates and President Obama or your
triple doctorate from Oxford or your term as the Prime Minister of
Madeupistan. Anything is possible, Dimmers, so let’s get some of our
people into some positions of influence!

—Brother O’Brien


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