“The Great Sciensology Threat!”

Last week sometime, I received this message from Brother O’Brien:

“Attn: Brother Richard F. Yates: You know how a politician will pick a fight with someone much more powerful in order to get press time and public attention? Well, that is what has happened to us: only a day after announcing the re-rebirth of The Church of DIM (a raven ‘caws’ and a child sobs in fear), we have just been served a lawsuit by The Church of Sciensology. Clearly they are just looking to capitalize on the buzz about our re-relaunch. Our lawyers haven’t finished reading the 42-page document, but they say it centers on the premise that ‘Sciensology has worked decades to slow the progress of humanity and demonstrate, by example, the inherent stupidity and recklessness of the human race, a pursuit that has now been co-opted by the so-called ‘Church of DIM.” How should we respond?”

My answer was, I believe, the only sensible course of action:

“I shall consume the sacred whisky and confer with the saints this evening and reveal whatever the hallucinat… I mean SAINTLY VISIONS, I’ll reveal what the saints say in the morning…or afternoon.”

Unfortunately, I was so “IN TOUCH WITH THE SPIRITS” that I blacked out and forgot about the lawsuit completely. Sometimes, you really just need the oblivion…

Mother Amoeba takes pity on her most devoted subjects (sometimes—other times, she’s off doing other things and doesn’t give a flying ++++), and this morning I awoke to discover a NEW message from Brother O’Brien:

“Update for Brother Yates: ‘Church of DIM Wins Lawsuit Waged by Sciensology’

In a last ditch effort, the Church of Sciensology produced hundreds of reams of documents to prove that the New Church of DIM was trying to ‘out-deprave’ the star-studded Sciensology religion, even producing Tom Cruz as a witness (Ted Cruz’s nephew). But when the judge began to pore through the ‘documents,’ she found that they were, indeed, blank. The lawyers for Sciensology claimed that the blank reams of paper represented their values, their beliefs, and their direction, which is ‘Nothing, your honor. Sciensology is nothing more than fake electrical gadgets and hokum. This should prove that the Church of DIM’s claim to be ‘wholly without content and substance’ is no match for Sciensology, which has been in the nonsense business for several decades!’

“In the end, however, Judge Kathleen Ameeba ruled that due to the Church of DIM’s global popularity, ‘no person, no matter how bereft of common sense or intelligence, should be denied their rights to the religion of their choice, Pizza Rolls™, and jingling keys to keep their attention.’

“Sciensology attorneys claim that they will appeal based on the judge’s surname, which many have pointed out resembles the Church of DIM’s deity, ‘Mother Amoeba.’ When asked to comment, Judge Ameeba replied, ‘How can this burrito be scalding hot on the outside and still frozen on the inside?’ To be fair, the judge was having lunch at the time of the interview.

“More to come…”

This is  a great victory for The New Church of DIM, and to celebrate, I shall consume the sacred whisky and confer with the Saints, see if I can’t find some of that sweet, sweet oblivion again! Praise be the Mother of Microscopic Monstrosities!

—O’Brien & Yates


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