“A New Holy Decree!” by Brother O.

An important update for the criminally-inclined Church of Dimmers:

I was recently watching a prison documentary which featured hundreds of people in orange jumpsuits (and all whom have better credit than I). In watching, I realized about the litany of prison rules and the rights of prisoners, particularly when it comes to religion.

I have, therefore, written a new document for the CoD, which will then be sent to our faith’s highest ranking human, Dr. Richard F. Yates MHs.D. At that point, Dr. Yates will IMMEDIATELY have some coffee, forget about the important document for several hours, almost throw it away several times, and then, finally and praise be, he will scan it briefly before the great moment: the approval, blessing, and submission to our archives, all in the time it takes him to exhibit a very large yawn.

I now give you our newest sacred document which applies to all incarcerated CoDers:

1) In most prisons, inmates are not allowed books. I’ll just let that set in for a moment… Okay, when you are done freaking out at the mere thought, I should let you know that there is an exception mandated by federal law: all prisoners are allowed religious texts. Sure, this policy might appear to be screamingly unfair to atheists, but as members of the Church of Dim, I am happy to announce our new religious texts: Let it be known that we, at the CoD, believe any and all physical texts to be Holy. Regardless of content, all books, in some regard, contain some level of bacteria or microscopic organisms (some more than others – I’m looking at you, 50 Shades of Grey). In essence, ALL books contain our very God(s) — how could a book be more sacred than that? Wardens: please inform your prison libraries of the upcoming expansions.
2) In all prisons, alternative meals for those of certain faiths must be available. On Mondays (one of our 7 deeply holy days of the week for the CoD), we prescribe the following meal:

-A 16 oz. chicken fried steak, expertly breaded and seasoned by a certified chef.
-Garlic mashed potatoes with a healthy serving of country gravy.
-Fresh corn on the cob, buttered.
-1 loaf of garlic bread, using only the finest French baguette, flown from Paris.
-Choice of champagne.
-One pomegranate, with each seed removed from every internal berry.
-Bananas Foster (the flambe will be an official exception to prison fire codes).
-Handmade vanilla ice cream using only fresh bean.
-Several Swiss chocolate bars, not less than 1.4 pounds.
-A fresh mint sprig (imported, if necessary).
-1 fifth of vodka (an homage to Brother O).
-Chocolate milk (unlimited – an homage to Dr. Yates).
-Seconds.

All other days’ meals of the week will be determined in time.

3) It is considered one of the greatest religious offenses to prevent CoDers from our holy accessories:

-The holy “metal file necklace.”
-The sacred skeleton key.
-In tribute to The Big Lebowski, every prisoner should also have access to a blessed “Sobchak,” a loaded handgun which can be brandished at inappropriate times.
-More chocolate.

4) Swedish bikini masseuses, for… ’cause of religion.

5) Finally, it shall now be known that being enclosed anywhere in a jail or prison-type setting overtly violates the tenets of our faith. It is the duty of every member of the CoD to acknowledge that he or she is, indeed, a prisoner, just as long as they are allowed to remain free, are not monitored, and are sent, by check, the exact amount that the prison system would have spent incarcerating us had we actually been in prison. Plus, we still get all of the other stuff like chicken fried steak Mondays.

So it is written, so shall it be done.

Praise Mother Protozoa

—Brother O.

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