[The following piece is a non-canonical, apocryphal text sometimes associated with the early Mimetic Sect of the Church of Dim. It is presented here for educational purposes.]
The Book of Genocide
as Recorded from God by Brother Noompsey of the Order
of the Faithful Animal Propagation of Philosophy and Mimesis, OBE.
1. Verily, it came to pass that the world
Created by a divine and bene-
Volent Creator stood in the lone cosmos
A singularity of creatures and man
Living in peaceful bliss.
2. Man and mega-lizard, cat and dog
Living together as one, a Panagea of peace.
But, as time went lazily down the garden path
Of insouciance, man soon got really bored.
2a. Tranquility and Relaxing Cool jazz
Really grated on his nerves.
3. So, the first two people, Odd and Even,
Decided to have a really big shindig.
But Even was beside herself
Over what to serve as a party dip.
4. She though about taking all of the fruit
Of the trees and all of the drippings
Of the various juices of the fruits
And making a divine slop for all to indulge in,
And she saw that it was good.
5. Unfortunately, as the sun was very hot
In the Garden of Panageden, her creation
Of fruit and juices quickly fermented,
And verily she had created the very first Spody.
6. When the people (and the animals:
The giraffes, and the sloths, the wombats
And the platypuses, the orangutans and the unicorns
(of course there were Unicorns….but more on that later),
Hadrasaurs, and the Trilobites)
All came to the party, and imbibed
From the sacred Chalice of Drunken Silliness.
7. They all got really toasted.
8. Sadly, it is because of Even’s transgression
Than Man and Animal became aware of their inherent differences.
9. The Lion, in his cups, as it were,
Noticed the long lithe limbs of the antelope.
10. And he did something about it.
11. The Fox, his whiskers atwitch with drunkenness
Noticed the succulent white rabbit,
Who, strangely, had passed out with a pawful of pills
11a. (which wouldn’t be discovered for thousands of years yet; yet, here they were…..trust me, I know. If I’m writing this book, I must know, I had a divine inspired intervention that told me so)1
12. And he did something about it.
13. Odd noticed Even in all her naked glory.
14. And he, too, did something about it.
15. He passed out.
16. Too much fermented fruit juice.
16z.2 (And history’s first recorded failed date rape).
17. Thus, it came to pass, that the Lord
Became quite irate.
18. He was really pissed.
19. And not because of the seven cups of intoxicating juice.
20. The Lord spoke,
And he said, “Yea, and it shall come to pass
That all of you all will fight and suffer.
21. “Ye shall live and die by the chaos
Sewn in your souls this lamentable day.
22. “And just so this does not become a precedent
For blaming the woman for all eternity,
Remember that you all drank of the
Cup of knowledge of Alcoholic Silliness
OF YOUR OWN FREE WILL!”
23. Then he stomped off and comforted himself
With a snuggle with a drunken lemur.
24. It came to pass, then, that Odd and Even
Walked out into the world.
25. Their dinosaur bretheren,
Still passed out from the heady liquor
Were covered over by a massive landslide3,
And are still found throughout the earth
Buried by themselves not intermingling
With the other animals of the creation.
26. Odd and Even did finally copulate vigorously,
After some debate over who would do the dishes,
27. And they had several Chilluns.
28. Their first was a girl named Syn.
29. Not coincidentally, everyone assumed she was a bad girl,
But as it turns out, she walked alone
Into the world and started a college of philosophy
That would have become the most
Stable foundation for a form of self-government
That would have guided the human race
To greatness throughout eternity,
But, alas, the flood, which follows soon,
Wiped her and her fellow philosophers
Out of existence.
31. After Syn, there came Syd, and Syf
And Sym, and Syt, and Syr, and Sye.
32. And then they got into a naming rut.
33. Sye Jr. followed, and then Sye Jr. Jr.
34. And so on and so on.
35. The children of Odd and Even went out
And got jiggy with the other people of the land
Who were totally not made by God.
36. Oh, yeah. And there were angels and giants and stuff.
37. Syd begat Frank, and Frank begat Todd, and Todd begat Dodd
Who decided that having children
Was stupid so he joined a commune
And, verily, he spent his life speaking
Out against the imposed lifestyles of his parents.
38. Somehow more children were begat,
But the record keeper found the secret
Of Even’s magical brew4,
And in an alcoholic daze lost the original records.
39. Eventually someone had a son named Noah.
40. This book is not about him.
41. This book is about Nils, Noah’s long lost brother.
42. Nils spent most of his life in his brother’s
Long and self-righteously proclaimed perfect shadow.
43. When Noah got married,
Nils was too drunk to make it to the reception,
Let alone the ceremony.
44. When Noah had children,
Nils mistook the briss for a Barbecue.
45. He brought shrimp and Even’s Fantastically Fermented Fruit Juice®
Whence he drank copiously of and got really, really drunk.
46. When the Lord told Noah to build a massive ark
To save his chosen people,
The Lord also told Nils to build one as well.
47. Nils’ ark, the Lord insisted,
Would need to be even larger and
More seaworthy than Noah’s
As it would have to hold all of the life
That couldn’t fit on Noah’s famous boat.
47a. Nils would be responsible for the dinosaurs,
And the mammoth, and the saber-toothed tigers.
48. There was an argument that ensued about the Unicorns.
48a. Noah won the argument, and as the fateful day approached,
Nils grew more and more resentful
That his ship would contain only
The monstrous and horrifying animals of the ancient world.
49. Therefore, the spirit of the insidious snake5
Came to Nils and encouraged him to steal
The Unicorn back from Noah, because the snake suggested
That Noah’s ship would sink, and Nils would
Never be forgiven by the future for failing to save the unicorn.
50. Nils put on a ninja mask, and his favorite
iTunes6 play list with some really
Rippin’ tunes from Metallica and Liberace.
51. With the theme song from “Mission Impossible”
Pumping through his Skull Candy® earphones,
Nils marched on his brother’s more skillfully crafted ark.
52. At the door to the ark, as pairs
Of creatures calmly entered the boat,
(Noah’s forgotten son Jack had sedated
All of the animals with copious quantities
Of Even’s Fantastically Fermented Fruit Juice®)
And offered to help find a good place
To bed the Unicorns down.
53. Jack, being a very clever boy,
Saw right through Nils’ plan and called his dad.
54. But before he could raise his voice,
Nils grabbed an extra bottle of
Even’s Fantastically Fermented Fruit Juice®,
And wacked Jack over the head.
Verily, he wacked Jack,
And with great enthusiasm did he wack.
He wacked and wacked,
Until there was not much Jack left to wack.
55. When Nils realized what had done,
He dropped to his knees and praised
The great snake spirit saying, “Oh, Great Snakes!
56. “Great Snakes that have given me
The power to win over Jack…with a wack.
57. “I devote my humble life to the propagation
Of the benevolence of your kind!”
58. In his devotion, Nils closed his eyes
And failed to see the snakes crawl by
And board Noah’s ark, knowing deep inside
Their collectively slimy and cowardly guts,
That Noah’s ark would survive and Nils would not.
59. And so it came to pass that the floodwaters did rise.
Nils rushed to his ark, dinosaur asses
Hanging out poorly constructed windows.
60. With in minutes after the floodwaters
Lifted the ship from the land, the dinosaurs got restless.
60a. T-Rex started it.
61. He went after the Hapatasaur,
And then the Brontasaur got into it too.
62. When the Megaladon entered the fray, it was all over.
63. Nils watched as his flimsy ark began to separate, and crumble.
64. The Unicorn and his mate,
Looks of scorn on their delicate faces, turned to Nils,
“You were a fool Nils. The snakes determined your fate.”
65. In unison they pierced Nils through the chest.
66. They pierced him thoroughly and with great malice,
Suffering him to pay for his hubris
And the crimes he had propagated against
All of the animals now destined to become fossils.
67. Yet, the Unicorns had one last trick to play.
68. As they had formed a friendship with
The gods of the Norse Pantheon,
They called on Thor, who came, and,
Wielding Mjolinir to clear the waters away,
Rode them to Valhalla, where they now graze
With the mounts of the Valkyries
And occasionally poop down on the place
Where Nils built his doomed ark.
69. Thus it is that the Unicorns hate man,
And the dinosaurs were doomed to be trapped in silt.
70. This is the truth as handed down from the Lord,
It is the absolute truth. And if you want to quote it in a sermon,
Please send $1.75 per line, per use7 to:
The Truth c/o God
1 Golden Throne Boulevard
Deopolis, Heaven 98665
1 This passage in the Apocrypha of the Book of Genocide has been added back after being excluded by the Tribunal of Diagnosis the XXIV of 2,300 BC, and later, at the Lesser Council of Greater Dim Hierarchical and Hermenutic Exegisis, F.I.P, and D.E.L in 1215.
2 There appears to be much text that disappeared from the original hand written and time-worn book as the numbers 16a – 16y have disappeared. In 1623, Josiah the Penitent theorized that the passages might have slipped through a wormhole embedded in the original document. That the original document no longer exists is the largest proof Josiah forwarded as evidence of the existence of the wormhole, stating that the whole of the original must have slipped through time and will appear, at a later date, to be found and re-appropriated as the new, and true, book of faith for humanity.
3 Although this contradicts information given later in this same book, it must be accepted as truth here as well as later in the book.
4 Not coincidentally, the record keeper whose first name was lost to time, but whose last name is rumored to be Trump, licensed and copyrighted the formula as “Even’s Fantastically Fermented Fruit Juice”. His company was the first global corporate business and, to date, has a profitability out-pacing every beverage producer, collectively, throughout time.
5 The insidious snake has become a flourishing modern symbol of sarcasm and snarkiness on a Web-blog titled “The Primitive Entertainment Workshop”.
6 Apparently, Steve Jobs has marketing and delivery systems in place that defied even the laws of nature.
7 Inflation adjusted USD$.